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Archive for April 2009

WHO Statement: Swine Flu survivors will be Orthodox Jews with OCD

jewsAfter having raised the global flu threat level to its second highest level, the World Health Organization today said that the most protected class of people will be those who keep Kosher and obsessively wash their hands.

“When all is said and done, and if this pandemic advances like we think it might, these may be the only people left standing in a year or two.”

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CDC Issues correction; Sorry, but it’s the Swan Flu.

swan1Embarrassed officials at the Centers for Disease Control issued a press today, in which they sought to explain how they mistakenly created a global pandemic scare over a flu-strain which apparently only effects approximately ten to twenty large birds each year.

The gist of the explanation is contained in this one sentence..

“The two words do sound a lot alike…”

Written by mytabloids

April 29, 2009 at 2:06 am

Swine flu: Spread by Wall Street Execs

pigsThe burgeoning outbreak of Swine Flu in the United States has been “absolutely” identified as having originated by the “pigs at the trough” on Wall Street, according to sources inside the CDC.

“So not only have they ruined our economy, but here comes this secondary infection!” said one distraut observer.

Citizens are urged to avoid Credit Default Swaps and not to handle (without latex gloves and masks) any other “creative” derivative financial products.

Written by mytabloids

April 27, 2009 at 10:54 pm

Beach Boys to reunite for “Waterboarding USA”

beach_boysThe legendary Beach Boys, though somewhat depleted due to the deaths of some members, will apparently set aside past disputes and reunite for what is being termed their “quintessential tour.”

“The Boys are excited, in light of recent revelations, to bring back those halcyon “surfer days” of the 60’s,” said spokesman Mikey Dornberry. “However, this time out, the focus will be on beach, bingo, bikinis…and waterboarding, which has turned out to be fun new water sport that is not only popular, but also totally supported by our government!”

Cheney furious over Wikipedia “distortions”

cheney1Former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney has expressed outrage over what he believes to be distortions on the Wikipedia page devoted to him. Cheney has demanded that “certain terms” be removed which he believes “don’t accurately reflect” a man of his stature.

Cheney’s attorney, M. Smithdon Jorgenson, formally submitted a list of “offending words” to Wikipedia management today, which they would like to see removed, such as “dork, dipshit, bully, nutball, asshole, crazy, Dr. Evil, parasite, prick, dilrod, jerk, slimeball, sleazy, bonehead, cretin, oaf, moron, pinhead, flake, loser and twit.”

Wikipedia, for their part, have refused to make any edits, stating that, “As far as we can tell, all of the references are well-founded and accurately represent Mr. Cheney.”

Written by mytabloids

April 23, 2009 at 8:17 am

PA Liquor store name change: Brilliant!

wine_bottlesIn what is shaping up to be one of the most brilliant marketing coups of all time, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB) is about to change the name of all its state-owned and operated stores.

According to PLCB CEO Jon Conti, “We no longer think that Wine and Liquor Shoppes is in touch with today’s consumers…which is why we want to change the names to Liquor and Wine Shoppes.

The cost of making the change would be about 42-million dollars, which Mr. Conti says is “Well worth it. I consider it my own little stimulus plan for sign companies across the state.”

Polo pony mass suicide: Note found pinned to stable

polo“Insider sources say a cohort of 21 professional polo ponies weren’t killed by some unknown pathogen, but rather, the entire group ingested poisoned sugar cubes.

“We have found a note,” Said groom Jesus Medillo. “I discovered it pinned to one of the stables when I went in to clean up last night.”

If the note it indeed authentic, it shows a group of animals who clearly had “gone the last mile.” Here is a brief except.

“By the time you read this, we will be gone. But your brutal treatment of us will just be coming to light. We are so freakin’ sick and tired of being ridden by a bunch of doofus “horsemen” that we saw no other option.”

Written by mytabloids

April 21, 2009 at 1:04 am