WHO Statement: Swine Flu survivors will be Orthodox Jews with OCD

After having raised the global flu threat level to its second highest level, the World Health Organization today said that the most protected class of people will be those who keep Kosher and obsessively wash their hands.

“When all is said and done, and if this pandemic advances like we think it might, these may be the only people left standing in a year or two.”

CDC Issues correction; Sorry, but it’s the Swan Flu.

Embarrassed officials at the Centers for Disease Control issued a press today, in which they sought to explain how they mistakenly created a global pandemic scare over a flu-strain which apparently only effects approximately ten to twenty large birds each year.

The gist of the explanation is contained in this one sentence..

“The two words do sound a lot alike…”

Swine flu: Spread by Wall Street Execs

The burgeoning outbreak of Swine Flu in the United States has been “absolutely” identified as having originated by the “pigs at the trough” on Wall Street, according to sources inside the CDC.

“So not only have they ruined our economy, but here comes this secondary infection!” said one distraut observer.

Citizens are urged to avoid Credit Default Swaps and not to handle (without latex gloves and masks) any other “creative” derivative financial products.

Beach Boys to reunite for “Waterboarding USA”

The legendary Beach Boys, though somewhat depleted due to the deaths of some members, will apparently set aside past disputes and reunite for what is being termed their “quintessential tour.”

“The Boys are excited, in light of recent revelations, to bring back those halcyon “surfer days” of the 60’s,” said spokesman Mikey Dornberry. “However, this time out, the focus will be on beach, bingo, bikinis…and waterboarding, which has turned out to be fun new water sport that is not only popular, but also totally supported by our government!”

Cheney furious over Wikipedia “distortions”

Former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney has expressed outrage over what he believes to be distortions on the Wikipedia page devoted to him. Cheney has demanded that “certain terms” be removed which he believes “don’t accurately reflect” a man of his stature.

Cheney’s attorney, M. Smithdon Jorgenson, formally submitted a list of “offending words” to Wikipedia management today, which they would like to see removed, such as “dork, dipshit, bully, nutball, asshole, crazy, Dr. Evil, parasite, prick, dilrod, jerk, slimeball, sleazy, bonehead, cretin, oaf, moron, pinhead, flake, loser and twit.”

Wikipedia, for their part, have refused to make any edits, stating that, “As far as we can tell, all of the references are well-founded and accurately represent Mr. Cheney.”

PA Liquor store name change: Brilliant!

In what is shaping up to be one of the most brilliant marketing coups of all time, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB) is about to change the name of all its state-owned and operated stores.

According to PLCB CEO Jon Conti, “We no longer think that Wine and Liquor Shoppes is in touch with today’s consumers…which is why we want to change the names to Liquor and Wine Shoppes.

The cost of making the change would be about 42-million dollars, which Mr. Conti says is “Well worth it. I consider it my own little stimulus plan for sign companies across the state.”

Polo pony mass suicide: Note found pinned to stable

“Insider sources say a cohort of 21 professional polo ponies weren’t killed by some unknown pathogen, but rather, the entire group ingested poisoned sugar cubes.

“We have found a note,” Said groom Jesus Medillo. “I discovered it pinned to one of the stables when I went in to clean up last night.”

If the note it indeed authentic, it shows a group of animals who clearly had “gone the last mile.” Here is a brief except.

“By the time you read this, we will be gone. But your brutal treatment of us will just be coming to light. We are so freakin’ sick and tired of being ridden by a bunch of doofus “horsemen” that we saw no other option.”

Two inch shrub grows in Senator’s head

Senator David Vitter of Louisiana was released from the hospital today after having a small bush removed from his cerebellum. According to his spokeswoman, Wendy LaDiapere, “The Senator is alert and doing fine. He should be ready to assume his rigorous schedule very soon.”

Vitter was admitted after several friends mentioned that he “Seemed way denser than usual,” and after the Senator himself found that he had a strong desire to go outside and “Just stand in the sun.”

Doctor Randy Singh of Sloan Kettering Memorial explained that, “The Senator’s cranium, which is mainly filled with nice loamy soil, turns out to have the ideal conditions for growing certain plants. “If I didn’t already have a garden, I would definitely plant some zucchini and crooked neck squash there myself.”

Susan Boyle hugs Queen. Burgeoning career over.

Susan Boyle, the “Flying Scotswoman” who roared out of her small town and amazed the world with a breathtakingly beautiful voice, may have had the shortest career in history.

Over the weekend, at a hastily arranged, impromptu concert at Buckingham Palace, Ms. Boyle, overwhelmed with genuine joy, momentarily gave The Queen a “wee bit of a hug.”

Royal watchers now say that she will likely be blackballed for “this bloody breach of etiquette” and “will never work is this town again.”

Pirates attack Disney attraction: Demand free Slurpees

According to wire service reports, a small, militant group of 8th grade Somali students took over the the “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction at Disney World earlier today and are holding a clean-shaven, 19 year old employee named Larry Ferguson, hostage.

A neatly printed sign, posted on the rope line outside the ride reads, “This Dastardly Disney attraction is currently being improved by our Imagineers. Arrrrgh! Come back tomorrow…if you dare!” The rest of the park is open and business is being conducted normally.

Orlando police and the FBI have been alerted to the siege, but are currently taking a “wait and see” approach to the developing situation.

“No need to git all wound up about this.” Said Curtis E. Mathers, a spokesman for the local Sheriff’s department. “Them Disney folks knows how to deal with stuff like ‘is.”

The Somali students, on a tour of the United States, have issued a statement in which they are demanding free 32 ounce Slurpees and yearly passes to the theme park. As of this time, Disney officials has refused to negotiate, saying, “We have no intention of letting a few “bad eggs” ruin things for the rest of our guests. If push comes to shove, we’ll whack the little bastards.”