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Archive for February 2009

Jindal’s Katrina-like speech latest Louisiana disaster

jindalLouisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, after receiving unanimously bad reviews for his “response” to President Obama’s “State of the Nation” speech, said today he will step down and return to Bangalore.

“At my call center, where I adopted the name “Bobby,” I thought I had learned the English language well enough to make this sort of “game changing” speech, but apparently not. I will immediately return to India in shame. The next time you hear me, I will keep my speech short and to the point, and hopefully your Dell computer running Vista will be all the better because of my help.”

Breaking News: Obama’s state of the nation speech leaked.

obama_wave2The first paragraph of President Barack Obama’s much-anticipated speech before Congress has been leaked to My Tabloids. The short text is excerpted below.

“My fellow Americans, lean over, put your heads between your legs and get ready to kiss your asses goodbye.”

Early reaction from Democrats in Congress is that the speech “Seems to be strike the right tone.”

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February 25, 2009 at 3:47 am

Nearly intact Mammoth found in LA

britney

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February 21, 2009 at 12:18 am

Bridges TV changes programming lineup.

bridges_tvDue to a Beheading Beyond Our Control, tonight’s prime time movie on Bridges TV, “Kookie, Kookie, Klean Your Koran,” will not be shown. Our new programming lineup is as follows:

8:00 “World’s Funniest Beheadings”
8:30 “So You Want To Be An Axe Murderer?”
9:00 “Be Head of The Class”
9:30 “America’s Goriest Jobs”
10:00 “Wife Chop”
10:30 “Terminator: The Muzzamil Hassan Chronicles”

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February 19, 2009 at 3:21 am

Amish plan for world domination, “Right on track.”

amish“Who’s really to blame for the global economic crisis?”  That question has been nagging people since last year.  Now however, a surprising answer has come to light.

A secret report, printed in pencil and apparently the work of a central Pennsylvania Amish sect, has led some experts to a startling revelation.

“The Amish are set to take over. Soon.”

That’s the conclusion of Professor Louis P. Fralinger, who has personally seen the alleged “smoking gun” document.

“When you think about it, who is better equipped to deal in a post-industrial society?  Can you plant corn?  Can you make a barn?  Can you metrosexuals even grow a decent beard? Listen, when the Stock Market finally bottoms out at 122 and oil prices spike to $500 a gallon and inflation reaches 1000%, the Amish “way of life” won’t be effected at all.”

Perhaps most revealing is that, according to Fralinger, this has been the plan all along.

“Don’t think for a minute that they were just sitting around plowing dirt all day!  They knew exactly what they were doing.  If things continue as they are, it might not be too long before you find yourself trading your 42″ plasma TV for a bushel of corn and squash….and their world domination plan will be complete.”

On a related note, Hollywood fashionistas say that “Funky Amish” clothing should be seeing its way to runways this Spring, and Fox Television is planning a new reality show, “Are You As Stupid As The Amish Think You Are?”

Market Square remake to be more “homeless friendly.”

market_squarePittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today revealed plans for a revitalized Market Square, in which the sidewalks would be widened and through-traffic limited.

“The basic idea of this exciting plan is to allow more room for pedestrians to walk around the bums.  Presently, a lot of downtown workers have to step over them.  With wider sidewalks, that won’t be a problem anymore — and that means perambulating through a maze of steaming pigeon dung and alcoholic panhandlers will be a more pleasant experience for everyone!”

In addition, the City will plant additional trees, so that the pigeons cat sit in the them and drop excrement on their heads.

“We think it’ll be a totally cutting-edge urban experience!” the Mayor said.

Written by mytabloids

February 18, 2009 at 4:27 am

Giant crazed hairy chimp freaks out, attacks and is shot dead.

chimp_gibsonA large, “domesticated” chimp, famous for parts in TV, movies and commercials, appears to have freaked out and attacked a woman today, in a fit of unrestrained anger.

The victim of the attack, which apparently was totally unprovoked, was heard to say, “I just thank God I’m not Jewish!”

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February 18, 2009 at 1:48 am