Jindal’s Katrina-like speech latest Louisiana disaster

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, after receiving unanimously bad reviews for his “response” to President Obama’s “State of the Nation” speech, said today he will step down and return to Bangalore.

“At my call center, where I adopted the name “Bobby,” I thought I had learned the English language well enough to make this sort of “game changing” speech, but apparently not. I will immediately return to India in shame. The next time you hear me, I will keep my speech short and to the point, and hopefully your Dell computer running Vista will be all the better because of my help.”

Breaking News: Obama’s state of the nation speech leaked.

The first paragraph of President Barack Obama’s much-anticipated speech before Congress has been leaked to My Tabloids. The short text is excerpted below.

“My fellow Americans, lean over, put your heads between your legs and get ready to kiss your asses goodbye.”

Early reaction from Democrats in Congress is that the speech “Seems to be strike the right tone.”

Nearly intact Mammoth found in LA

Bridges TV changes programming lineup.

Due to a Beheading Beyond Our Control, tonight’s prime time movie on Bridges TV, “Kookie, Kookie, Klean Your Koran,” will not be shown. Our new programming lineup is as follows:

8:00 “World’s Funniest Beheadings”
8:30 “So You Want To Be An Axe Murderer?”
9:00 “Be Head of The Class”
9:30 “America’s Goriest Jobs”
10:00 “Wife Chop”
10:30 “Terminator: The Muzzamil Hassan Chronicles”

Amish plan for world domination, “Right on track.”

“Who’s really to blame for the global economic crisis?”  That question has been nagging people since last year.  Now however, a surprising answer has come to light.

A secret report, printed in pencil and apparently the work of a central Pennsylvania Amish sect, has led some experts to a startling revelation.

“The Amish are set to take over. Soon.”

That’s the conclusion of Professor Louis P. Fralinger, who has personally seen the alleged “smoking gun” document.

“When you think about it, who is better equipped to deal in a post-industrial society?  Can you plant corn?  Can you make a barn?  Can you metrosexuals even grow a decent beard? Listen, when the Stock Market finally bottoms out at 122 and oil prices spike to $500 a gallon and inflation reaches 1000%, the Amish “way of life” won’t be effected at all.”

Perhaps most revealing is that, according to Fralinger, this has been the plan all along.

“Don’t think for a minute that they were just sitting around plowing dirt all day!  They knew exactly what they were doing.  If things continue as they are, it might not be too long before you find yourself trading your 42″ plasma TV for a bushel of corn and squash….and their world domination plan will be complete.”

On a related note, Hollywood fashionistas say that “Funky Amish” clothing should be seeing its way to runways this Spring, and Fox Television is planning a new reality show, “Are You As Stupid As The Amish Think You Are?”

Market Square remake to be more “homeless friendly.”

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today revealed plans for a revitalized Market Square, in which the sidewalks would be widened and through-traffic limited.

“The basic idea of this exciting plan is to allow more room for pedestrians to walk around the bums.  Presently, a lot of downtown workers have to step over them.  With wider sidewalks, that won’t be a problem anymore — and that means perambulating through a maze of steaming pigeon dung and alcoholic panhandlers will be a more pleasant experience for everyone!”

In addition, the City will plant additional trees, so that the pigeons cat sit in the them and drop excrement on their heads.

“We think it’ll be a totally cutting-edge urban experience!” the Mayor said.

Giant crazed hairy chimp freaks out, attacks and is shot dead.

A large, “domesticated” chimp, famous for parts in TV, movies and commercials, appears to have freaked out and attacked a woman today, in a fit of unrestrained anger.

The victim of the attack, which apparently was totally unprovoked, was heard to say, “I just thank God I’m not Jewish!”

Lincoln best Prez. Bush 289th.

In what researchers are calling a “statistical anomaly,” George Bush has been rated at the 289th worst President ever, even though, prior to Obama, only 42 men have held the post.

“I could explain it,” Said historian Carl Ruppert, “But what’s the point.  This is one case in which the numbers don’t lie — they enlighten us.”

Bush was actually less popular than Stalin, Richard Simmons and Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.

Bylsma new Pens coach. Lack of vowels “a major factor.”

Michele Therrien was booted as the Pittsburgh Penguins head coach today, and replaced by Dan Bylsma, who had been handling those duties for the team’s farm club.  The Penguin’s lost another pathetic road game this past weekend, and no one was surprised by the move, though some were shocked by the reason cited by GM Ray Shero.

“Therrien just didn’t fit in.  His name was way too “Frenchy and gay” said Shero.  “We pulled the trigger on Bylsma, because, aside from his coaching abilities, his name was like “totally Pittsburgh.”

Kicker Reed flips out: “All towels are terrible, all towels are terrible!”

Pittsburgh Steeler kicker Jeff Reed lost control this weekend and brutally attacked a towel dispenser at a Sheetz convenience store.  According to witnesses in the mens room at the time, Reed stared at the dispenser for some time, repeating, “All towels are terrible, all towels are terrible.  You are a terrible towel!  You must be disposed of properly!”

Steeler officials released a brief statement sometime later.

“We are disappointed in Jeff’s behavior, but, on the up side, it does prove that he finally learned to wash his hands after, you know, doing his business.”