RNC picks African-American Chairman. “Ball handling a major factor.”

 

The RNC elected former Maryland lieutenant governor Michael Steele, an African-American, as their new chairman today.

Republican insiders say that it was mostly his inside skills and ball-handling that tipped the decision in his favor.

“We saw what the other team did this past November, and we figured it was time we got with the program.” One RNC member said, “We needed a better game in the paint, and we just didn’t think we’d get that with some slow old white guy.”

Quinn in. Honeymoon period could last, 8 to 10 hours.

In “the grand tradition of this great state” new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn said he is pleased for the chance to “prove his innocence,” moments after being sworn in to replace Rod Blagojevich.

Bla-gone. Will “start anew” in Louisiana.

After being ousted from the Governorship for trying to sell Barack Obamas’s Senate seat for personal gain, and banned from ever holding public office in Illinois, former Governor Rod Blagojevich said he will immediately move to Louisiana, “Where they appreciate guys like me!”

Louisiana Senator David Vitter, in a statement released today,  said he would gladly welcome Blagojevich to his state and would personally make sure the embattled pol “never spends a lonely night in our fine state.”

Zoo closed. Penguins, weather, to blame.

Yesterday’s ice and snow have left Pittsburgh Zoo officials scrambling to re-open, after the resident penguins “totally trashed” their enclosure.

“It looks like a dorm room from Slippery Rock in there,” said one animal technician.  “The penguins got a little too excited about the nice weather yesterday and apparently one or more of them slipped in a keg.  We hope to be re-open soon.”

Blago wants to speak at impeachment trial….

“And maybe do a little tap dance and some magic tricks, too”

His request is under consideration.

Stunner! Steelers deny hormone use!

On the eve of the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers front office today vehemently denied that illegal hormones, including estrogen, were being used by any of their players, despite photographic evidence to the contrary.

“That photo of Troy Polamalu was taken from an odd angle.  It’s just a trick of the lighting.”

Aviary CEO leaves, cites diversity issues.

“At a time in which a Black man can be elected President of these United States, it is clear to me that the Aviary has not been doing all it could to reach out to crows, starlings and grackles.”

That was the opening salvo, fired off in the resignation letter that Linda Dickerson left behind, as she departs as CEO of the National Aviary in Pittsburgh.

“For far too long, this organization has willingly shunned simple, working-class birds in favor of exotic breeds, who tend to bring in more money…and I simply can’t be part of this class warfare any longer.”

NFL admits “Helmets mostly for logos”

A new medical report shows that professional football players regularly suffer concussions which cause serious, lasting damage — which can lead to dementia and death.

When contacted by My Tabloids, an NFL spokesman said, “We understand the issue and can totally relate.  But all the players know that helmets aren’t meant to protect their brains, but to carry the shiny and colorful “brand image” of their NFL franchise into the homes of millions of consumers every weekend.”

New job cut record! GOP says, “We can do better”

On Tuesday alone, more than 11,000 American’s lost their jobs as the second-worst financial meltdown in history continues to grow worse.  But, according to House Minority Leader John Boehner, “We could do a lot better than that!”  Boehner believes that, had John McCain been elected, “We probably could have lost at least 15 to 20-thousand.  Maybe more!”

“Unlike the Obama administration, we Republicans are “take charge” people…and even though we no longer control the Legislature, I’m determined to do all I can to maintain our reputation as the “pro-business” party….even if that meaning going out of business.”

When reporters asked for clarification, they were informed that Representative Boehner was back in his Ohio district, which was being auctioned off on eBay.

Bush checks “friend requests” on Facebook.

Due to security issues, former President George W. Bush was unable to interact on the Internet as much as he would have wished during his two terms.  So it was not surprising that, after returning to Texas, Mr. Bush would try to re-establish contacts with old friends.

“I was real thrilled to git back on Facebook,” He said, “But a little surprised that, after eight years, I only had two requests to be “frinded. Do y’all think it’s a glitch or somethin’?”