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Archive for January 2009

RNC picks African-American Chairman. “Ball handling a major factor.”

 

steeleThe RNC elected former Maryland lieutenant governor Michael Steele, an African-American, as their new chairman today.

Republican insiders say that it was mostly his inside skills and ball-handling that tipped the decision in his favor.

“We saw what the other team did this past November, and we figured it was time we got with the program.” One RNC member said, “We needed a better game in the paint, and we just didn’t think we’d get that with some slow old white guy.”

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Quinn in. Honeymoon period could last, 8 to 10 hours.

quinnIn “the grand tradition of this great state” new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn said he is pleased for the chance to “prove his innocence,” moments after being sworn in to replace Rod Blagojevich.

Written by mytabloids

January 30, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Bla-gone. Will “start anew” in Louisiana.

blago_2After being ousted from the Governorship for trying to sell Barack Obamas’s Senate seat for personal gain, and banned from ever holding public office in Illinois, former Governor Rod Blagojevich said he will immediately move to Louisiana, “Where they appreciate guys like me!”

Louisiana Senator David Vitter, in a statement released today,  said he would gladly welcome Blagojevich to his state and would personally make sure the embattled pol “never spends a lonely night in our fine state.”

Written by mytabloids

January 30, 2009 at 8:18 am

Zoo closed. Penguins, weather, to blame.

penguinYesterday’s ice and snow have left Pittsburgh Zoo officials scrambling to re-open, after the resident penguins “totally trashed” their enclosure.

“It looks like a dorm room from Slippery Rock in there,” said one animal technician.  “The penguins got a little too excited about the nice weather yesterday and apparently one or more of them slipped in a keg.  We hope to be re-open soon.”

Written by mytabloids

January 30, 2009 at 12:49 am

Blago wants to speak at impeachment trial….

blago_1“And maybe do a little tap dance and some magic tricks, too”

His request is under consideration.

Written by mytabloids

January 29, 2009 at 8:03 am

Stunner! Steelers deny hormone use!

steeler_headOn the eve of the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers front office today vehemently denied that illegal hormones, including estrogen, were being used by any of their players, despite photographic evidence to the contrary.

“That photo of Troy Polamalu was taken from an odd angle.  It’s just a trick of the lighting.”

Written by mytabloids

January 28, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Aviary CEO leaves, cites diversity issues.

crow“At a time in which a Black man can be elected President of these United States, it is clear to me that the Aviary has not been doing all it could to reach out to crows, starlings and grackles.”

That was the opening salvo, fired off in the resignation letter that Linda Dickerson left behind, as she departs as CEO of the National Aviary in Pittsburgh.

“For far too long, this organization has willingly shunned simple, working-class birds in favor of exotic breeds, who tend to bring in more money…and I simply can’t be part of this class warfare any longer.”