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Archive for July 2009

BREAKING: Obama, Gates & Crowley get totally wasted.

obama_wave2What was meant to be just a “single beer” turned into “just one more” and then “one for the road” and then a “nightcap” this afternoon, and by the time the three men left the Beermeister Room at the White House, none of them could see straight.

“The President was telling “A honky goes into a bar on the South Side of Chicago” type jokes.” Said a west wing insider. “It was kinda cute, actually.”

“Gates and Crowley were fist-bumping and hugging and apparently, all is forgiven.”

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July 31, 2009 at 5:54 am

BREAKING: Vick back in NFL. Under certain conditions…

vick_2Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday and could play in regular season games as early as October.

Goodell said the “conditions” included the following;

Vick must learn to “sit, stay and not urinate inappropriately.”

It’s that third one I’m most worried about.” Said Godell, privately. “If he doesn’t abide by these conditions, he will definitely find himself in the dog house!”

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July 28, 2009 at 7:59 am

Is that a remote in your pocket? Big Ben chimes in.

big_ben_roethlisbergerPittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger admitted today that he “may have been confused by an “unfamiliar TV remote,” but he denied molesting or physically threatening Harrah’s hotel employee Andrea McNulty.

“I couldn’t find the freakin’ mute button,” the Steelers QB said, in a brash and honest news conference, “And I asked this looney toons chick to help me fix it. End of story. I mean, I stumbled on the BBC News channel and I just had to turn it off before my freakin’ head exploded. Who can listen to that crap?”

McNutley claims that “Big Ben,” as he is know to his fans, blocked her egress from his hotel suite and kissed her, despite her protestations.

“Why would I do that?” Roethlisberger said at the news conference, “When I can nail any tail I want? It just doesn’t make sense? And besides, this has been very hurtful to me and my family an ‘nat.”

Pittsburgh gives up on “redd up,” will move G-20 to Savannah.

luke Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and his Public Works Department have been struggling recently to clean up and revitalize downtown Pittsburgh in anticipation of the September G-20 Summit. But today, the Mayor admitted defeat.

“It’s just too big a job.” He said, at a noon news conference outside the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. “We can plant all the new saplings we want, we can pick up the litter and paint over the graffiti, but, at the end of the day, it’s still Pittsburgh!”

Ravenstahl said he will hand off the summit to Savannah, Georgia, “A nice, warm, clean, vibrant southern city, where you won’t constantly be reminded that Pittsburgh invented decay and pollution.”

Sotomayor revises “Wise Latina” remark…

sotomayor“What I meant to say, was a wise-ass Latina. Does that answer your question, Senator Hatch?”

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July 16, 2009 at 12:55 am

G-20 protesters will have to wear “furry” costumes.

squirrel_furryThe head of security for the upcoming G-20 Summit in Pittsburgh has come up with what he thinks is a novel way to make any of the expected protesters seem “less scary.”

“I was in Pittsburgh doing a survey and threat assessment,” Said Secret Service agent Henry Buchanon, “And it happened to be the same weekend as Anthrocon 2009, the convention for so-called “furries,” and I thought, hey, if we make all these nutbag protesters where a big stupid suit that make them look like a squirrel, it’ll be a lot less threatening to people.”

When questioned as to how this would effect people’s First Amendment rights, Buchanon was terse.

“Listen. We make you take your shoes off at the airport. We can make you put on a Smurf costume if we want.”

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July 13, 2009 at 6:36 pm

Band manager says he was tortured for years….

gitmo_2Austin Cromwell, manager of the band “Ferret Slickers,” has filed suit in Federal Court, claiming that he was tortured for years, “Just like those Arab dudes at Gitmo.”

The gist of Cromwell’s complaint was set forth by his lawyer, Andy Spanadakos, and is strikingly similar to the complaints of many Guantanamo Bay detainees.

“Mr. Cromwell has been forced to listen to loud rock music for many thousands of hours. He has been deprived of sleep. On the rare occasion that he was allowed to sleep, it was only on uncomfortable beds in crummy motels. Furthermore, he has been forced to drink warm, flat beer, which he has a religious aversion to.”

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July 13, 2009 at 2:20 am