Cain: “At least they weren’t little boys!”

GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain, his campaign sagging under new allegations of sexual impropriety, made a forceful statement today.

“Well, whatever happened, at least it was with women, not with little boys in a locker room.”

The shaken candidate, his campaign floundering, later retracted the statement, in which he referenced Penn State University’s former coach Jerry Sandusky.

“OK. I was a little upset. I dig that. But I was doing what a guy does. And I have nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, if I hadn’t cheated, guys in the Board Room would have thought I was a wimp or something!”

Occupy Wall Streeters relent. Move back in with Mom and Dad.

The grass roots protest that began in lower Manhattan and then spread like wildfire across the nation, seems to have been extinguished in a mere few hours, when police swept through Zuccotti Park and forced the restless crowds to “move on.” Most seemed sanguine about the end game.

“My Mom will be glad to have me come home,” Said 29 year Jason Bricklin. “I mean, like, I’m sure she missed making my dinner, doing my laundry and kissing my ass 24/7.”

A similar sentiment came from 32 year old Ginger Allen. “I’m going to go home and occupy the shower for like, two hours!” She said, smiling. “This was fun, but my parents are, ya know, so needy — so I’m going back home.”

BREAKING: Perry finally remembers name of third Stooge

Texas Governor Rick Perry, who last night could not recall the names of all the Three Stooges when pointedly asked that question during a televised debate, today sought to explain his apparent lapse of memory.

“Seriously, I was just unsure whether I was being asked about just Moe, Larry and Curly — or whether I should also have considered Shemp. In the heat of the moment, under the extreme stress of a national debate, I guess I just “over thought” things….

BREAKING: Cain news conference. “Depends on what you definition of “lap” is.”

Borrowing from the Bill Clinton lexicon, candidate and former lobbyist Herman Cain today refused to admit any wrongdoing or sexual malfeasance.

“This woman’s claims are completely baseless.” Said a determined Cain. “And I’d argue that the word lap can be defined in many different ways.”

With that the candidate held up a printout from Wikipedia, in which the word lap was highlighted in yellow.

“It says right here, and this is the most accurate source imaginable, that lap can refer to “one time around a race course.” If I ever used that word while forcing this woman’s head in the direction of my crotch, that was no doubt the meaning I was referring to.” I was suggesting that we “go once around the block.”