Toyota: “We’ll replace your car with a Yugo”

As the once-proud carmaker continued to slide into oblivion, its President today made a surprise announcement.

“If any owner of any model Toyota, we’ll gladly replace it with a Yugo or equal or lesser value.”

In the first hour after the announcement, more than 42-million Toyota owners signed up for the deal.

“Yugoslavia totally rocks” said one happy owner.

Pope will return to action at The Masters

“After a tough few weeks refuting another sex scandal, The Pontiff will return to action at The Masters tournament in Augusta, along with his friend Tiger Woods.” Said a spokesman for The Holy See today.

“Pope Benedict will rely on a 12-year old caddy by the name of Billy to help him circumnavigate the challenging course. Together, they are praying to come through “Amen Corner” unscathed.

Tiger Woods hires Ari Fleischer: Will now invade Iran.

The PGA’s resident sex addict has apparently hired former Bush mouthpiece Ari Fleischer to help him rebuild his shattered image.

Fleischer, who acknowledged the move, said he will rely on a tried-and-true Bush-era marketing ploy:

“We’re going to use Tiger’s substantial war chest to fund the invasion of someone in the Mid East. Probably Iran, since Iraq is already taken.”

According to PR experts, Fleischer is just utilizing the old magician’s trick of “misdirection.”

“With a new war breaking out and the threat of nuclear weapons being used, I have no doubt that people will be distracted from the simple human foibles of one former golfer,” Said, Al Thompson, a media expert.

Rumors have swirled for weeks that Woods, who hasn’t golfed in months, might return at next years Pebble Beach Ho-Am.

Bored with earthquakes, Americans turn to “Idol”

The news that earthquakes seem to be breaking out all over the world has American’s on edge.

“I don’t like it. I don’t want to hear about it.” Said Mildred Palinski of Uniontown, Pennsylvania. “I just wanna watch Idol.”

It’s a common refrain.

“Haiti, Chile. I don’t care.” said Larry Mitchell, a pipefitter from Malone, NY. “Until my souvenir plates of from Vegas fall off my wall, I’m not going to worry. I’ll just tune into the TV and be happy. Where the hell is Chile, anyway? Are we winning the war there?”