Gates gives billions. Attempts to make up for Vista.

Microsoft founder and billionaire Bill Gates has committed to giving billions of dollars (US) to help fight disease and poverty and every other ill none to mankind….”If….people would just forget what a piece of unmitigated crap Windows really is, including Vista and this pointless new release.”

“We are willing to spend more than any couple ever has to cover up for the fact that I created the worst operating system known to man.” Said Mr Gates. “I figure that if I can spend a billion dollars to cure some diseases in Africa, people might forget about the viruses that their Microsoft-powered computers get every day…”

Uneasy? Or just dead? Toyota chief apologizes.

Upbeat Japanese carmaker President Akio Toyoda said today in Davos, Switzerland that he was “Sorry for making consumers ‘uneasy'” about driving one of the millions of cars his company made with potentially deadly accelerator problems.

It is unknown whether the the dead and maimed are covered by his definition of “uneasy.”

Toyoda said that, “While the problem is bad, it’s not something that some really, really big new brakes can’t solve.”

Apple reveals another new product: iPon

On the heels of its much-heralded roll out of the iPad, Apple Computer (Cupertino,CA – APPL) has announced the release of another innovative product, the iPon™.

“This is the first product we’ve ever created that is “for women only,” said a gaunt, yet upbeat Steve Jobs.

The “implantable” MP3 player, with a unique string operated volume control, is expected to go on sale soon.

Breaking: Alito actual mouthed, “No trousers”

During President Barack Obama’s first “official” State of the Union address, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito mouthed what many pundits took to be the words “not true,” when the Supreme Court was taken to task by the President over a recent ruling.

However, a My Tabloids source tells us that the Justice was actually saying, “No trousers” under his breath, the apparent punch line to a rather ranchy joke, which he was sharing with a very willing Clarence Thomas. “The fact that Justice Alito’s purported comment coincided with the President’s mention of the recent ruling is purely coincidence” said a SCOTUS spokesman, on the guarantee of anonymity.

Salinger dead: Will now give interviews to all

Reclusive author J. D. Salinger, who was almost as well known for being, well, reclusive, as he was for penning “The Catcher in the Rye,” has died. Salinger had lived for years in an isolated part of New England, and steadfastly refused to communicate with anyone other than Paul Lynde and Bob Denver. When those two major talents preceded him into the “great beyond,” Salinger’s agent acknowledged that “it was only a matter of time before the master would follow.”

However, it appears now that J. D. has died, he has rethought his entire “reclusive thing,” and maybe be willing “for modest remuneration” to give selected interviews to such highly-touted journals as The Atlantic, The New York Times Magazine and Highlights For Juniors, along with TMZ.

“We are open to whomever is willing to open their wallets,” said his agent, in a moment of clarity.

BREAKING: Steve Jobs continues to shrink!

In a plot straight out of a 1950’s movie, “The Incredible Shrinking Man,” Steve Jobs today appeared before a packed house to tout the latest version of the iPhone, which he is seen here holding.

Apple, known for it’s tight-lipped PR machine, would only say, “Steve is doing fine. The fact that you can now put him in your front shirt pocket shouldn’t be of concern to anyone.”

The much-anticipated tablet computer, dubbed the iPad, was also shown today, but other, larger employees had to bring it on stage.

In a related development, Kotex Corporation, makes of feminine hygiene products, has announced its intention to sue Apple Corporation for infringement on its trademarks, claiming, “We own the entire “pad” brand. Ask anyone what they thing of when you say pad — and I can tell you, it’s isn’t some overgrown phone!”

BREAKING: Obama switches parties!

On the eve of his first official State of the Union address, it appears President Barack Obama will switch parties.

“The President will call for a complete clamp down on discretionary spending.” Said a White House spokesman. “Anything that anyone wants, except for classic Republican expenditures like guns, missiles and ammo, will be shut down completely. We need to hold the line on spending!”

The GOP was baffled, unsure of whether they want Obama in their party or not.

Salahi’s crash Haiti.

Michaele and Tareq Salahi showed up unexpectedly, and uninvited, in Port au Prince, Haiti today, offering to “do whatever they could” for the impoverished nation, suffering from a devastating earthquake.

“We are like, totally into this.” Said Tareq. “We’re going to have a Potluck State Dinner outside the demolished Palace and see if we can’t just raise a little money for these, you know, people.”

Wecht to run for Governor? Campaign office at Carlow?

Former Allegheny County Coroner Cyril Wecht is, according to some reports, about to launch a spoiler campaign for Governor.

If he does, the rumor is that Wecht will use space at Carlow College to “hold costs down.” He also plans to use whatever free staff isn’t busy doing autopsies to just “pitch in and help, for old times sake.”

Panties outlawed on all international flights

After a high-level meeting at the White House today, President Obama announced that all forms of “panties, thongs and other delicate female undergarments” would not be allowed on flights entering the United States.

“It may seem harsh, but this the world we live in now,” Said The President. “Besides, you’ll probably feel fresher, anyway.”

According to others at the meeting, who spoke anonymously, the enhanced security measures do not include bras…”yet.”