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Archive for September 2010

BREAKING: O’Donnell – “Witches are fiscally conservative”

christine o'donnellSenate candidate Christine O’Donnell, in a video that is making the rounds of the Internet, apparently once “dabbled” in witchcraft. Bill Maher had her on his show “Politically Incorrect” in 1999, when she made the admission.

Despite this rather aberrant revelation, her campaign insists it’s all just part of her Tea Party cred.

“It is well known that witches and warlocks are fiscally and socially conservative,” Said campaign aide Larry Roth, “Christine’s statements, should, in no way, alter people’s understanding of her deep and abiding faith in deregulation and tax cutting policy.”


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September 19, 2010 at 7:09 am

Pope “shocked” by abuse. Also amazed by gravity and air.

During a groundbreaking trip through the United Kingdom, Pope Benedict said he was “shocked” by the depth and breadth of the abuse that has gone on, apparently unchecked, for decades within the Catholic clergy.

“Merda!” The Pontiff said, after being questioned by the Royal press.

“What he meant to say,” Said Vatican spokesman Father Romano Porcini, “Was, I am shocked, shocked, to find that alter boys have been having their little wieners forcibly fondled for so long. I think I’ll appoint a commission or something….”

With that said, the Pope wandered off in search of the Queen’s swans.

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September 17, 2010 at 6:47 am

BREAKING NEWS: Koran won’t be burnt, but rather, deep-fat fried.

In a tip of the hat to American tastes and culture, as well as to the worldwide recrimination that has sprung forth since his initial announcement, the Pastor Terry Jones has chosen to alter his planned Koran burning.

“We’ve decided that, rather than a full-out burning, we’re going to drop these books into one of our friers and see how they come out. We realize that most Americans love fried food — so this just seemed like a natural to us. We’re gonna call ’em “Muslim Hush Puppies!”

Tiger Woods moves to NYC for, “More hot waitresses”

Tiger Woods has abandoned his abode in the Florida sunshine and will move his domicile to the Big Apple, apparently because he’d run through most of the current wait staff in the Orlando area.

For a brief time, Tiger apparently considered moving to Memphis, the home town of the Perkins Restaurant chain, but settled on New York because he thought there “would be more delectable, quality items on the menu.”

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September 5, 2010 at 6:18 am

The Beck Correction: “I didn’t really hold the first inaugural….”

glenn beck image“What I meant to say was that I WROTE the first inaugural address.”

Glenn Beck slashed out at his critics today, after he was caught in an apparent lie. Telling a crowd that he had held the first inaugural address wasn’t quite true, he admitted.

“In a former life, I was the first President of these God-fearing, patriotic United States of American and I actually wrote that address. It’s just that simple. I have no idea what the lame stream media is in such a tizzy about! I was freakin’ there! God willed it to be so! Now, go buy my books!”

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September 4, 2010 at 9:48 am