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Archive for February 2010

BREAKING: Olympic luge track gets a “fix.”

After the tragedy that killed a Georgian luger, whose body came off the track and slammed into a steel support
pole at 90mph, Olympic organizers, while admitting no fault and blaming the accident on human error, said they are installing “added safety features.”

“The first thing were going to do is to wrap these poles with some moving blankets we found in the back of an empty semi. We think it’s a vast improvement,” Said spokesman Hans Gilt.

When asked by reporters what difference they would make if a similar accident were to occur again, Gilt said, “We think the next luger might live for say, 5 or 6 additional minutes. But in the fast-paced atmosphere of the Olympics, that’s almost an entire lifetime!”

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February 14, 2010 at 7:42 am

BREAKING: Palin’s palm tells all!

The Tea Baggers weren’t reading tea leaves at their recent convention. Instead, Sarah Palin, their erstwhile Queen, was reading palms, in this case, her own.

After news photographers published images of the politician’s hand with crib notes on it, there was a quick move to quell the skepticism about her ability to remember salient facts.

“Ms. Palin has an excellent memory.” Said Larry Hannrahan. “However, in this case, exhausted from travel and suffering from jet lag, she wanted to make sure that she got one point right. That is, well, here name.”

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February 10, 2010 at 7:45 am

iPad: May not be GPS game-changer.

Apple executives, speaking anonymously, said today that they “Doubt that the newly released iPad will supplant people’s Garmins or TomToms anytime soon.”

“The fact is,” said one source, “It just a wee bit big to hang comfortably off the windshield — and we’ve had the darndest trouble getting it to stay put with those little suction cup thingies.”

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February 6, 2010 at 7:30 am

BREAKING: Toyota solution – Bigger Air Bags!

Excited engineers for Toyota today announced an “elegant solution” to their sticking accelerator problems.

The newly unveiled “Maxi Bag,” will inflate in the, “Rare case that a gas pedal sticks or the brakes don’t work,” said a proud spokesman for the ailing automaker.

He continued, “This is the sort of innovative thinking that made us the largest car company in the world. We never stop. Uh, I mean….”

BREAKING: Toyota: Can’t stop ’em, can’t stop ’em

News reports indicate that Toyota may have ongoing problems with its brake systems, in addition to its accelerators, which have recently forced a massive recall.

“The bottom line is,” said an upbeat Toyota spokesman, “You just can’t stop a Toyota!”

The company is apparently now rethinking its use of the song, “Slow Down You’re Movin’ Too Fast” as its commercial theme music.

Written by mytabloids

February 4, 2010 at 9:29 am

Iran: Turtles In Space!

The leaders of Iran are celebrating a monumental scientific achievement, which may rightfully change the future of the world. Iran has announced that it has launched a “space turtle” into low Earth orbit.

“The Iranian people are proud of this most incredible Islamic achievement,” said President Ahmadinejad. “Today turtles and worms, tomorrow ferrets!”

Written by mytabloids

February 4, 2010 at 9:08 am