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Archive for August 2009

BREAKING: Madoff dying of cancer. Will be released to Scotland.

maddofSwindler Bernard Madoff is apparently dying of cancer. US officials have decided that, due to his declining health, he will be flown to Lockerbie, Scotland to live out his final days in relative comfort amongst the most “compassionate people in the world.”

“We think he’s paid enough for his crimes. After all, he’s been in prison for a few months now. Besides, Scotland is no Libya. The weather really sucks.”


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August 25, 2009 at 12:13 am

Obama caves on “public option,” clings to “Free Band-Aids for all”

obama_wave2While his proxy Senators are floating the idea that the so-called “public option” may be dropped from health care legislation, others made it clear this weekend that the President will never give in on his “core belief” that all citizens should have “free and complete access to band-aids throughout their lives.”

Presidential advisor David Axelrod, said, “This President came into office with a mandate to make big changes to health care, and this “Band-aids For America” plan is just a first step. It may be a struggle to get the 60 votes to avoid a possible filibuster, but he’s willing to invest all his political capital to do just that!”

Vick back: “Dog tired” after practice

vick_2Michael Vick is back in the NFL, after serving almost two years of a sentence on a felony dog-fighting conviction.

The former Atlanta Falcons QB has signed with the Philadelphia Eagles and claims that other than being “dog tired” after two-a-day practices, he’s “Anxious to take off the leash and sink my teeth into this puppy!”

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August 15, 2009 at 12:39 am

BREAKING: Death Panels aimed at the “weak-minded.” GOP worried.

palinWhile only a fiction, the GOP, dominated by addled-brained nitwits, are right to fear the establishment of “death panels,” which, if modeled after the Nazi’s, would lead to the euthanizing of “stupid, moronic and otherwise mentally weak-minded individuals.”

“I wish they were true,” Said a Democratic Senator privately, “‘Cause I know that the GOP would be at the head of the line.”

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August 14, 2009 at 9:00 pm

“We’re gonna need a bigger rat hole” Pittsburghers gamble away their future

In the first 18 hours of operation, the brand new Rivers Casino in Pittsburgh helped liberate 1.3 million dollars from local gamblers.

“It was a really grand, grand opening.” Said Theresa Simcovich of Carnegie. “I took everything I had saved for my grand kids and just pissed it away on the nickel slots. It was like, totally liberating!”

After gambling, many of the same residents left to travel to Harrisburg, where they argued that increased taxes are “killing them.”

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August 11, 2009 at 8:13 am

Clinton “Still has it.” Hits on released journalists

clinton_koreaNo sooner have former President Bill Clinton helped broker the release of two female journalist held by the North Koreans since March, than new information leaked out about a “party” on the returning flight.

“Tell you what,” Said an unnamed source, who was on the plane, “I think this whole thing was just an excuse for Bill to get a little occidental nookie.”

Another crew person said that the former President insisted on changing the planes call sign to “Love Plane,” the minute he got on with the two young women. No word on whether the pilot complied with his request.

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August 6, 2009 at 7:21 am

Dems extend “clunkers” to include GOP

grassleyDemocrats in the Senate say that since “Cash For Clunkers” has proven to been so successful, it might also be used to rid the nation of quite a few GOP lawmakers who have “overstayed their welcome and are running on empty.”

“We’re adding some extra money to the new legislation,” said Senator Harry Reid, “Which will allow constituents in GOP districts to get rid of their clunker Congressmen and Senators, and replace them with much more efficient, modern and intelligent Democratic versions.”

“I mean, who in their right mind really thinks that Orrin Hatch, Chuck Grassley and John Cornyn aren’t past their prime…and ready for the junk heap of history?”

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August 6, 2009 at 7:09 am