CNN celebrates 250 years of Larry King

The cable network’s venerable talk-meister is all set to celebrate a quarter of a millennium of softball questions and total unpreparedness.

“Larry has made CNN what it is today,” said network CEO Alan Levy, who was then reminded by reporters that CNN is languishing in the ratings and is a distant second to Fox News.

“Exactly my point.” He replied. “Larry helped us take a third rate outfit and make it second rate! We are thrilled with his special and hope that you’ll enjoy it.”

Spill was “brilliant plan” to making getting oil “easier.”

Just released documents seem to indicate that BP knew all along that the Deepwater Horizon was a disaster waiting to happen. According to the papers, it appears that BP’s secret plan was simply to let the well fill the entire Gulf of Mexico, and then just “skim off the oil.”

“Oh, it’s a lot easier than fancy rigs and pipelines and going down five-thousand feet under the ocean.” Said drilling expert Bert Pappas. “Basically, all they have to do is punch a bunch of holes into the surface of the earth, and let it flow! It’s a brilliant plan. It’ll save them billions at the end of the day.”

BP executives could not be reached for comment.

BP will hire David Copperfield to make spill “disappear.”

Unable to actually do anything substantial to stop the millions of gallons of oil which are relentlessly flowing into the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum has announced that it has hired renowned magician David Copperfield to create the illusion that the gusher has been plugged.

“We haven’t got a freaking clue how to stop this the spill, which, at this point is the largest ecological disaster in history,” Said smiling BP spokesman Larry Carlton. “So we figured we might as well use a little “sleight of hand” to make everyone chill….”

Obama nominates Frodo to Supreme Court

President Barack Obama, who seems to be full of surprises these days, has announced that the diminutive Hobbit, Frodo Baggins, is his nominee for the Supreme Court.

“Frodo has proven himself to be smart and resourceful.” Said The President. “These are qualities which I admire, and which I desire in the next justice of the Supreme Court.”

Frodo himself released a statement in which he said he was excited about the “quest” and thought that a seat on the SCOUTUS was “precious.”

Huge dome to be lowered over Limbaugh to stop toxic spewing…

An independent engineering company has confirmed that they have been contracted to lower a “house sized” steel enclosure over radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, in an attempt to limit the toxic spillage which is flowing from him and polluting the entire nation.

“It’s a huge job.” Said Foreman Ralph McAllister. “We had to actually build this dome from scratch, since we didn’t have one in stock that was big enough.”

The hope is that once Limbaugh is contained, all of the toxic waste inside him can be siphoned off and stored in a containment area.