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Archive for January 2012

BREAKING: Newt will “Stay in race until I meet a hotter staffer!”

newt gingrich callistaIn no uncertain terms, candidate Newt Gingrich has vowed to fight on against the tyranny of Obama and his European Style Socialist Agenda, the liberal East Coast Elite and the imposition of Sharia Law in the United States ….”Until the GOP convention in August of 2012, or until I meet a younger female staffer who is hotter than Callista, whichever comes first!”

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Written by mytabloids

January 31, 2012 at 2:03 am

Euro-zone “crisis meetings” are powering economy!

euro crisisA recent report out of Brussels seems to indicate that the only bright spot in the European economy is the huge number of meetings which have been held to discuss the prior meetings about the last ditch meetings to save the Euro.

“If it wasn’t for all these meetings and the travel, hotel, food, luggage, dry cleaning, cell phone and other charges involved, we’d really be up shit creek” Said Alain Roy, a Euro minister from France.

Written by mytabloids

January 30, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Santorum says he has “One weird trick to lose weight, and win”

rick santorum, newtIn a hastily-called news conference today, Rick Santorum revealed little, but said he knows about “One crazy, weird old trick that can help people lose up to 20 pounds a week.” But, the candidate said, you can’t get the secret unless you click the link on his website, “RicksWeirdTrick.com” and make a large campaign donation at the same time.

“This isn’t some Internet scam,” The candidate insisted, but rather, “A weird trick that’s allowed me to stay a lot thinner than Newt Gingrich and to raise money.”

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January 21, 2012 at 4:40 am

Breaking: Newt to demand “open government.”

newt debate callistaSeemingly under attack from all sides, GOP primary contender Newt Gingrich said during tonight’s debate that, as he asked his former wife, he would demand an “open federal government,” in which “I can do want I want, with whomever I want to do it with.”

When pressed by moderator John King about the issue, Gingrich put it in stark, clear terms.

“Listen, if I’m elected I’ll reserve the right to screw whoever I want to; whether that means wives, or the American public. And just like Callista, I don’t see why anyone should have a problem with that”

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January 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

Breaking: Santorum admits he thought he was running for Pope.

rick santorum south carolina catholic churchIn a stunning admission, Rick Santorum today called a press conference to clarify his ambitions.

“I think there may have been some confusion,” Said Santorum, dressed in his trademark sweater-vest and flanked by his entire family.

“My intent was never to be President of the United States. I mean, I guess that would be nice, but what I really want is to be the next Pope, and to shepard the Catholic Church into a new era of regressive, ham-fisted moral certainty.”

Santorum went on to issue what most theologians believe is the first encyclical ever offered by someone other than a Pope, in which he called for the abolishment of “any and all modernism” that has occurred in The Church since the Mid 7th century.”

Written by mytabloids

January 17, 2012 at 5:01 am

Breaking: Santorum Ad Sets Record!

santorum tv commercial ad daughterRick Santorum, who is hoping to rebound after a drubbing in New Hampshire, is running a new TV commercial in South Carolina in which he professes to be the “best chance” to beat President Obama. But there is more to it than that.

According to South Union College Political Science Professor Willard Scanlon, Santorum has set something of a dubious record.

“In one short :30 commercial, Rick was able to squeeze in three shots of him with his tragically ill daughter. According to our records, and this only goes back to the mid-80s, no other politician has dared be quite that blatant when it comes to “using” his children to political advantage.”

BREAKING: Santorum commits mortal sin. Immediately condemned to eternal hellfire!

rick santorum prays humor“And it was going so well…”

According to Roman Catholic doctrine, Rick Santorum’s decision to engage in today’s primary debate in New Hampshire, and to skip the holy sacrament of Mass, means that he committed a “mortal sin.”

A priest in New Hampshire, after hearing of the transgression, responded;

“Well, from this day forward, he might as well have fun, because his soul will, upon his death, be sent directly to Hell, where “you know who” will suffer great indignities upon it. And he’d better hope that the Devil ain’t Gay!”

“If Santorum had just forgotten, or if the event had been of significant enough importance, he may have been able to skate by on this,” Said eminent Catholic theologian Clinton Cobb, “But there is no way that Rome is going to look the other way when you blow off mass for some stupid debate!”

Written by mytabloids

January 9, 2012 at 10:48 am