BREAKING: Experts say, “Everything sucks.”

It may comes as no surprise to your average citizen, but now a series of government-funded research projects have made it official;  everything sucks.

“We were hoping for some vague glimmer of hope,” Said Profession Alan Daniels of NYU, “But there is none.  The world economy is circling the drain, Iran is developing nuclear missiles, global warming is melting everything, Mitt Romney might be President and, worst of all, the Summer Olympics are about to start.  I couldn’t be worse.”

Several of the scientists involved in the research could not be reached for comment, due to an apparent mass-hanging which occurred after the results were compiled.

“They were the lucky ones,” Said Daniels, wistfully.

BREAKING: Wii Kids Piloting Drones! “It’s awesome!”

The U.S. Air Force has refused to comment, but an extensive undercover investigation has revealed that most of the drones being used to kill Al Qaeda members in the lawless border regions of Pakistan are actually being piloted by 7-year old boys, several of whom live in the same leafy suburb of Milwaukee.

“This is like so totally awesome.” Said Kenny Marlton. “I mean, I totally rocked last week. My buddy Jason and I offed like 9 Al Qaeda dudes in one freakin’ afternoon!”

BREAKING: Neanderthals celebrated Thanksgiving!

Scientists, using a sophisticated new uranium-thorium dating technique, have absolutely verified that cave paintings in northwestern Spain were drawn by early homo sapiens who were using their hands to create the image of a turkey and its tail feathers.

“This is conclusive proof that “Thanksgiving” as we know it today, originated nearly 40,000 years ago” said paleontologist Philip Seymour Cranston.

Scientists continue to scour the ancient cave floors for any signs of pumpkin seeds or football schedules.

Eurozone crumbles. Will be rebranded as iEurozone.

 

“It wasn’t so much the sovereign debt crisis which doomed the Eurozone,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel today, “But rather the branding of the whole affair. Starting today we’ll all be much hipper — and happier!”

Word has also leaked out that iEurozone 2 may be released early this fall, with enhanced memory and a really good camera.