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Archive for September 2009

Synchronized swimming replaces “public option”

obama_2After clearing having been outflanked by his political adversaries on the “public option” for a health care, President Obama has decided instead to concentrate on the Olympics.

“This has got to be easier than dealing with Congress.” The President was overhead saying. “I am totally sick of that shit!”

On October 2nd, the President will appear, along with the First Lady and Brian Boitano, to press for Chicago as the ideal site of the Olympics in 2016, where he hopes synchronized swimming will “finally be recognized for the true sport it is.”

Written by mytabloids

September 30, 2009 at 8:38 am

G20 Over: Pittsburgh returns to normal

apocalypseAfter having spent the last two months getting ready for the G20 Summit, and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars cleaning up the city for its debut on the world stage, Pittsburghers relaxed today and got back to “business as usual.”

Looking out over the dismal post-apocalyptic landscape, Crafton resident Manny Stepanic said, “Damn, it is a beautiful place, isn’t it?”

Written by mytabloids

September 27, 2009 at 4:04 am

BREAKING: G20 Attendees Agree on Soup!

g20_soupCalling it a “world altering conference” with “far reaching repercussions” the members of the G20 nations today closed their event and issued a “communique” in which they made the following statement.

“We, the undersigned, agree that the tasty vegetable soup, served in the monumental “Bowl of Nations,” was excellent.”

Little other substantial progress was made on climate change, terrorism, nuclear proliferation, poverty or health care.

Breaking! G20 Sonic Weapon Deployed

sonicA so-called “sonic weapon” has apparently been deployed in Pittsburgh, where the G20 Summit is underway today. The device is intended to disperse unruly crowds. There is, as of this moment, no clear report on whether it has been utilized or not.

“The weapon was developed for the Army over the past decade,” said former General Armand Zimmerman. “By sampling and then playing back certain songs are a very high frequency, most people will be repelled immediately.”

Reports on the web note that the Army experimented with a mash up of “You Light Up My Life,” “Ebony and Ivory,” “She’s a Lady,” “Achy Breaky Heart” and every Bobby Goldsboro song ever recorded.

“It was very successful. Not only did people run screaming, but most of them lost their lunch as well.”

Written by mytabloids

September 25, 2009 at 11:35 pm

G20 Protesters: Berating The Beans!

beansProtesters at the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh ransacked a Boston Market restaurant on Thursday, breaking plate glass windows and raising havoc, but it apparently had nothing to do with the ills of globalizaton nor the use of genetically-modified crops.

“We were just pissed because the green beans sucked.” Said protest leader Simon Strauch. “We were marching down Baum Boulevard when we decided to grab some lunch. But, as vegans, we found the green beans to be overcooked, soggy and just saturated in too much salt. They were anything but the “fresh” vegetables which Boston Market likes to advertise.”

“And since we’re protesters,” Said Kim Docherty, “We did the only thing we know how to do; we trashed the place and broke all the windows.”

Written by mytabloids

September 25, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Pittsburgh Pirates Use G20 To Intro New Team!

monksIn an attempt to turn their flagging fortunes around, baseball’s worst team today used the excitement of the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh as a spring board to introduce a completely new team, made up entirely of Burmese monks.

“The chanting alone will be a big audience draw, I guarantee you!” Said reclusive Pirate owner Bob Nutting. “I mean, with these cool new swirling uniforms and this chanting, we’ll be hard to beat in 2010!”

Written by mytabloids

September 25, 2009 at 12:45 am

G20 Protesters Shun Pittsburgh

g20According to reports coming to us from the just-opened G-20 Summit, most protesters are “staying away in droves.”

“We’ll wait for a better city.” Said Larry Corrado, and organizer for People Against Lots of Stuff. “I mean, I’m not going to waste my time and energy in this backwater burgh. I’ll wait until we get to go to Copenhagen or Paris or someplace cool.”

Corrado echoed the sentiments of many protesters, who are, so far, outnumbered by police by a ratio of 1000-1.