My Tabloids | Satire on the Mon

It's not true, they didn't come anywhere near my tabloids…

Archive for the ‘Pittsburgh an ‘nat’ Category

BREAKING: Santorum wins weekly “Duh” award!

santorum evangelicals vote iowaIn a speech before the Values Voters summit, Rick Santorum said that “smart people will never like us.”  Well, DUH!

Christopher Gabney, who monitors “Stupid shit that people say every week” said that Santorum would be awarded his weekly “Duh” award for “Stating the obvious, in such an obvious way.”

“Clearly Rick has some sort of deep seeded dislike of smart people, which is why, years ago, he chose the Republican Party.”


Written by mytabloids

September 16, 2012 at 5:55 am

Breaking: Joe Paterno gone. Penn State makes way for Sandusky statue

paterno statue sanduskyLaborers with jackhammers and a forklift today removed the bronze statue of legendary, and now infamous, football coach Joe Paterno from its hallowed spot outside the Penn State stadium.

“We didn’t feel we could just leave it there,” Said an anonymous PSU trustee, “Because he have this Sandusky statue that has to go somewhere.”

Workers cleaned up the space, removed the back plate of surging football players which was part of the scene, and are now waiting for the Sandusky bronze.

According to information leaked to us, the statue will be smaller than the Paterno was.

“I’d say it’s about six to eight inches long.” He said.

BREAKING: Santorum says “It was all just a big joke.”

rick santorum south carolina catholic churchExhausted and somewhat delirious from his months-long campaign for President, Rick Santorum today made the surprise announcement that it was all “Just a gag.”  Using an expression near to the hearts of Pittsburgher’s, Santorum said…

“It started out as a joke, but now it’s gone on too long.  I was just jaggin’ yinz guys and I never thought for a minute that all those voters would take me seriously as a candidate for President.  Can you imagine that?

Asked what he’ll do now, Santorum said he might run for Pope, “Because I dig that hat.”

Written by mytabloids

March 10, 2012 at 2:48 am

Big “Call Me Poppa Bear” Roethlisberger parties with the Furries!

The annual “fur fest” is underway in Pittsburgh, as Furries from around the nation have groomed themselves and arrived to act like “party animals.” Among the hard core fursters was one newbie, Ben Roethlisberger.

“Part of my anti-social behavioral therapy is involved in reaching out to people who I wouldn’t normally treat with respect, such a women and people who dress like mascots. The docs thought this would be good for me. Hey, you haven’t seen a Big Beaver around here have you?”

Big Ben has dropped his normal nickname and insisted on being called “Poppa Bear.”

Roethlisberger to be tested for “underlying disorder.”

Doctors and therapists will seek to determine if Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has an “underlying disorder” which may have led to his recent spate of sexually-challenged problems.

“We’ll run some totally awesome tests on Ben,” said Doctor Manny Strauch. “We want to determine if he has some serious brain issues or if he is just a total thuggish asshole as most of us assume.”

Strauch said they would be testing for such complexes and diseases as, “Boneheadnitis,” “Dicktedectiphobia” and “Crotchapokeiphitis.”

“These rare, though serious disorders, can lead a man to do thing that a normal, rational human being would not do.”

Big Ben suspended: Will use free time to slog through dive bars.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell came down hard on Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger today, handing down a six game suspension to the embattled player, who has been involved in several high-profile, sexually-charged off-field incidents.

“If Ben plays by the rules and partakes of some serious fake squishy new age therapy,” Said the Commish, “He’ll only be out four games.”

“Big Ben,” as he is known, said he’ll use his free time to scour the local Pittsburgh bars for additional conquests, ‘Or, you know, whatever.”

Orie Sisters to reunite for “Big Hair Tour”

With an unexpected announcement that is sure to thrill fans, the 80’s “hair band” the “Orie Ohs” will reunite for a tour of Western Pennsylvania. The announcement came today from their manager Owen Waddington.

“Jane, Joan, Judith and Janine are going back on the road.” He said. “There hair has never been better and their music never more important.”

The sister’s are expected to do a fund-raiser to help offset “unexpected legal expenses” at a variety of venues, including some large halls in Beaver, West Deer and Norvelt.

Written by mytabloids

April 8, 2010 at 8:03 am