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Archive for August 2012

BREAKING: Christie to replace levees in NOLA

governor chris christie new jersey imageNew Jersey Governor Chris Christie had told reporters that, if things get “really bad” in New Orleans with the approaching storm Isaac, that he will personally lay down and hold the waters back.

The Army Corps of Engineers accepted the Governor’s offer and also requested that Rush Limbaugh be standing by, “In case we need to plug another huge hole.”

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August 28, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Breaking: Building stolen. Bear being sought.

longaberger yogi bear imageThe iconic corporate headquarters of the Longaberger Basket Company in Newark, Ohio was apparently stolen overnight.  Corporate officials were the first to discover the theft when they went to work on Monday, only to find the building, which is shaped like an actual basket, missing.

“We are stunned and saddened,” Said corporate spokeswoman Betsy Nelson.  “We only hope that whoever stole our basket understands how much it means to us, our customers and the members of the Newark, Ohio community.”

Police, meanwhile, are apparently following up on an anonymous tip that a large brown bear was seen in the area a day or two prior to the theft.  Police Chief Clayton Stone was quoted as saying, “This bear, well, if it is him, he is smarter than your average bear — but I’m confident we’ll have him on custody soon.”

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August 28, 2012 at 7:54 am

Olympics over. American’s can return to REAL reality television

closing ceremonies olympics imagePerhaps this sums it up.

“I think it was a scandal,” said Lois Muckle of Twinsburg, Ohio.  “They never showed anything live, so how do I know that it really happened that way? Maybe that guy Bolt really lost, but someone wanted him to win, so they just edited it orsomething.  Anyway, I’m glad it’s over and I can watch REAL TV again.”

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August 13, 2012 at 6:51 am

Ryan-Romney: The Firing Squad

romney ryan vice president candidate imagePresidential contender Mitt Romney shows his VP choice Paul Ryan exactly how “he runs a business.”

“First,” Romney was quoted as saying, “You fire the entire staff, because without even meeting them, I can tell you that they’re a bunch of lazy asses and probably two or three are some sort of foreign people or minorities.  Second, well, ah, I’m not sure after that….but let’s hand out these leftover subs….”

 

 

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August 11, 2012 at 7:36 pm

There’s a reason they call it BADminton!

badminton olympics indonesia chinaThe tragic comedy of the 2012 Olympics rolls on. Today’s “agony of defeat” moment came when several badminton players were thrown out the games for, well, throwing their games….

Harold Hu, a noted badminton specialist and sportswriter noted, “These women are essentially amateurs and they just haven’t gotten to the point in their careers where they can cheat as well as the pros. Give them a year or two and I’m sure they’ll improve.”

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August 2, 2012 at 3:36 am