My Tabloids | Satire on the Mon

It's not true, they didn't come anywhere near my tabloids…

Archive for May 2009

North Korea: “Epic case of short man’s disease.”

korean_soldierWith the current sabre-rattling reaching a frightening crescendo, MyTabloids thought it would be a good time to delve deeper into the problems on the Korean peninsula. To that end, we spoke with eminent psychologist, Dr. Burton Blaine.

—-

Question: “WTF is going on with these little dipshits?”

“Their is nothing wrong in North Korea that some Human Growth Hormone wouldn’t solve.” Said, Dr. Blaine. “Every one of that nation’s actions are simply an “acting out” of the aggressive impulses that short men around the globe so often feel.”

Question: “Are those missiles what I think they are?”

“Yes, these missiles are nothing more or less than rocket-propelled phallic symbols. I mean, this is Psychology 101, really.”

Question: “Why aren’t the South Korean’s exhibiting the same aggressive tendencies?”

The men in the south make up for their small stature like men in the U.S. do; they buy electronics, drive fast black cars and go golfing. You can’t do that in the North.”

Thank you Dr. Blaine.

Written by mytabloids

May 30, 2009 at 1:10 am

Pittsburgh Mayor: G20 Summit interferes with Furries and Rib-Fest

lukePittsburgh’s young Mayor, Luke Ravenstahl said today that while he thinks it might be “awesome” to “hang with some world leaders,” he would rather that President Obama reconsider his decision to bring the G20 Economic Summit to Pittsburgh this September.

“Like, seriously? It’s just really freakin’ inconvenient,” Said the 29-year old city leader, who just won a landslide victory in the Democratic Primary and is the likely winner in November. “And I don’t feel like pissing off the dudes running the Rib Fest or the wonderful, cuddly Furries, who are scheduled to have their annual Anthrocon convention that same weekend.”

Other local civic leaders, including Councilman William Peduto, were shocked at the Mayor’s comments. “I love Rib Fest,” he said, “But this is my dream come true. This is WONK FEST! Besides, Luke’s just pissed off about his name change thing….”

Asked if Peduto was correct, Ravenstahl dissembled a bit, but did admit, “Yea, I was going to call myself RibbinStahl and FurryStahl, which would have been a lot more fun than “G20-Stahl. That just sounds, like, totally lame!”

G20 Summit to Pittsburgh. Protests considered “great opportunity.”

pittsburghThe White House has announced that the upcoming G20 Summit will be help this September in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

“Pittsburgh is a great place for this,” Said spokesman Robert Gibbs. “For one thing, given the current economic climate, the hotel costs are incredibly low. But also, if the expected protests turn violent, there really isn’t that much left in Pittsburgh to ruin.”

For their part, most Pittsburgh officials are thrilled.

“Violent protests are a growing, thriving part of our tourism business,” said Cindy Maynard, a spokeswoman for the area Convention and Visitors Bureau. “From the days of the Homestead Strike until today, Pittsburgh has been home to some great protests…and we welcome this new opportunity with open arms.”

Written by mytabloids

May 29, 2009 at 1:44 am

Obama Recants: Say’s he meant to nominate Oscar Mayer!

oscar_meyer“It was really my fault,” Said The President, “I was tired and think I misspoke. I can’t apologize enough.”

Written by mytabloids

May 28, 2009 at 2:12 am

New Fox Show: “Are You Meaner Than Dick Cheney?”

meaner_than_dick_smallThe FOX network has announced that, after reviewing the latest speech by Dick Cheney, they have rushed a spinoff of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” into development.

“This has winner written all over it,” Said FOX spokesman Art Teitelbaum. “Dick is just an audience magnet. We have no doubt this will be the breakout hit of the new season!”

According to sources, the reality show format will feature average people, who will be presented with a scenario in which they’ll be pitted against a “virtual Dick Cheney.”

Teitelbaum explained.

“For instance, one player might to asked to imagine what they would do if they had a small, defenseless puppy and it was misbehaving! I mean, you can see the possibilities, can’t you?”

New Poll: More people fear Cheney than bin Laden

cheney1According to a poll released today, more people fear the former Vice President than do the supposed leader of al Qaeda.
The poll was conducted by the American’s For Freedom, The Flag and Goodness Institute, a Fairfax, Virginia-based conservative think tank.

“We were a little stunned, to say the least,” Said spokesman Art Stafford. “We may have to go back and look at our methodology.”

Here are the questions and results, as published:

Question. “Who do you fear more, Dick Cheney or Osama bin Laden?”
Answers: Cheney 82%. bin Laden 5%. Undecided 9%.

Written by mytabloids

May 21, 2009 at 10:50 pm

US to invade and conquer St. Thomas: “We need a win badly!”

st_thomasPentagon officials are mum on the subject, but word has leaked out that the Obama Administration has plans to invade and conquer the small Caribbean island of St. Thomas sometime in the near future.

“As I understand it,” Said a former U.S. Brigadier General, with insider knowledge of the plans, “The sense is that we need a big win. It’s been so long since America has won a war, that we need something to feel good about.”

“Let’s face it…we lost the wars in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan as well as the War on Poverty, the War on Drugs and The War on Terror. The fans are not happy.”

“St. Thomas might not be that much of a challenge,” Said the General, “But you’ve got to start somewhere!”