My Tabloids | Satire on the Mon

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Archive for December 2009

BREAKING: Full body scan reveals Cheney’s secret.

After returning from a recent speaking engagement in which he excoriated President Barack Obama, former VP Dick Cheney got a dose of his own medicine, when he was forced to undergo a full body scan at Washington Reagan National Airport.

“We were a bit surprised by the scan,” Said an anonymous TSA official, “But it certainly explains a lot.”

Cheney was briefly detained, but released soon after it was determined that “manifest evil” was not sufficient reason to hold him. However, he was scolded for having a 6 once container of Bumble and Bumble Fragrant Clarifying Shampoo, which was not in a transparent container.

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December 31, 2009 at 10:12 am

Steelers suck. P-G scrambles for front page news…

With the world champion Pittsburgh Steelers playing like a second-rate high school team, the editors of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette are at a loss for what to put on the front page of their paper and its website.

“We pretty much leave the area ‘above the fold’ for the Steelers most of the year,” Said editor David Shribman, “And their current slide into oblivion has caused us a bit of angst. We’ve been considering just rerunning stories from last year…..”

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December 14, 2009 at 6:50 am

Tiger: 473 women now claim affairs

After recent revelations about just how many women Tiger Woods has apparently had affairs with, it “becomes clear” said one sports analyst, just why Woods had knee problems.

“Let me just say this — it wasn’t the golf.” Said Jason Sandstrom. “Tiger’s ACL problems and his subsequent season-long layoff from the tour, it appears now, were more of a “repetitive stress injury.”

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December 11, 2009 at 7:57 am

BREAKING: Women turned off by Tiger’s condom

“Way too furry,” Said one. “And I didn’t like the way it looked at me.”

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December 9, 2009 at 8:22 am

BREAKING: Tiger picks up new endorsement

Embattled golfer Tiger Woods, fearing that his marital infidelity might effect his earning power with major corporations such as Buick and Nike, has acted preemptively to take advantage of his current situation by signing on as the new spokesman for Comcast Voice Mail.

“We’re excited to have Tiger on board,” Said spokesman Larry Travers. “Our new “Hello, This Is Tiger” campaign will launch in the first quarter of next year.

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December 3, 2009 at 9:52 pm