BREAKING: Mitt’s “Piss Off The World” Tour winds down.

U.S. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is wrapping up his whirlwind tour of several foreign countries in Poland today, where he followed up on his sleights of the English and the Palestinians by pissing off the leaders of Solidarity.

“It’s been quite an exciting tour across the UK, Israel and now Poland.” Said Romney. “We came, we saw, we pissed in their corn flakes!”

Breaking: Joe Paterno gone. Penn State makes way for Sandusky statue

Laborers with jackhammers and a forklift today removed the bronze statue of legendary, and now infamous, football coach Joe Paterno from its hallowed spot outside the Penn State stadium.

“We didn’t feel we could just leave it there,” Said an anonymous PSU trustee, “Because he have this Sandusky statue that has to go somewhere.”

Workers cleaned up the space, removed the back plate of surging football players which was part of the scene, and are now waiting for the Sandusky bronze.

According to information leaked to us, the statue will be smaller than the Paterno was.

“I’d say it’s about six to eight inches long.” He said.

BREAKING: Romney admits, “I’m rich and you’re not!”

GOP Presidential candidate Willard Mitt Romney, exhausted from a campaign swing through Pennsylvania, apparently just broke down and finally told the truth.

“I’m rich. I have a ton of cash in numbered accounts in the Cayman Islands and in Switzerland! What’s the problem? This is the American dream! You start out with nothing, and, through hard work and perseverance, you make good.”

When reporters noted that he had started out as the rich son of a well-to-do politician, Mitt seemed perplexed.

“What’s the issue here,” Romney said, “I may have had a few “advantages,” but almost anyone in these United States could become the head of Bain Capital if they just applied themselves — like I did.”