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Archive for April 2012

BREAKING: Tough new Secret Service rules. Whores MUST be paid in advance!

Dateline: Washington.

Under pressure due to a recent scandal involving Columbian prostitutes in Cartagena, the Secret Service has imposed what some are calling “Draconian” new work rules for its agents. Just released, the rules include stringent new measures to make sure such a scandal “never happens again.”

1) “All prostitutes, whores, strumpets, harlots and ladies of the night MUST be paid FULLY IN ADVANCE for any “services rendered. Should an agent request “additional services,” the fornication must cease until the whore is advanced the additional fees.

2) “As a cost control measure, agents will only be reimbursed on their expense accounts for prostitutes who are on the Secret Service Approved Vendor List. (see agency document AVL – 2012 – 32)

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Written by mytabloids

April 29, 2012 at 4:46 am

BREAKING: Young North Korean leader can’t keep it up.

north korean leader rocket launchNorth Korea’s 30 year old Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un apparently has a problem that usually plagues men twice his age; when trying to “launch a rocket” he can’t manage to fully break free from earth’s atmosphere and achieve “insertion” into a stable orbit.

The Supreme Leader’s failure is seen as a shocking embarrassment for the xenophobic nation, which had hoped its newly minted leader would at least be able to hold up his end of the deal….

Written by mytabloids

April 14, 2012 at 12:54 am

BREAKING: Anne Romney. I’ve worked. Well, sort of….

Anne Romney, expressing her best faux outrage over the comments of Hillary Rosen today said, “Of course I’ve worked.  I’ve had to oversee the duties of several nannies and au pairs;  and it’s been a long, hard slog.  You have no idea how hard it is to get good help these days.  Some of the au pairs can’t even speak high French!  Work isn’t always about working, per se, I mean, sometimes work is other things, like, you know, not working!”

Written by mytabloids

April 13, 2012 at 6:20 am

BREAKING: Scalia strip searched after speeding ticket.

scalia, scotus, antonin, supreme court, strip searchOne day after altering U.S. law and siding with the majority to allow strip searches for even the most minor infractions of the law, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia got a “taste of his own medicine.”  Maryland State Police report that Justice Scalia was stopped for driving his black Cadillac Escalade at an “unsafe speed” and was remanded to the Frederick City Jail.  After being processed, Justice Scalia was stripped naked and forced to reveal his most intimate “nether regions.”

An anonymous trooper, who refused to release his name, said that they found “nothing unusual.”

“When he turned and spread his cheeks we saw an asshole, which is pretty much what we expected….”

Written by mytabloids

April 3, 2012 at 6:55 am