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Archive for April 2010

Roethlisberger to be tested for “underlying disorder.”

Doctors and therapists will seek to determine if Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has an “underlying disorder” which may have led to his recent spate of sexually-challenged problems.

“We’ll run some totally awesome tests on Ben,” said Doctor Manny Strauch. “We want to determine if he has some serious brain issues or if he is just a total thuggish asshole as most of us assume.”

Strauch said they would be testing for such complexes and diseases as, “Boneheadnitis,” “Dicktedectiphobia” and “Crotchapokeiphitis.”

“These rare, though serious disorders, can lead a man to do thing that a normal, rational human being would not do.”

Big Ben suspended: Will use free time to slog through dive bars.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell came down hard on Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger today, handing down a six game suspension to the embattled player, who has been involved in several high-profile, sexually-charged off-field incidents.

“If Ben plays by the rules and partakes of some serious fake squishy new age therapy,” Said the Commish, “He’ll only be out four games.”

“Big Ben,” as he is known, said he’ll use his free time to scour the local Pittsburgh bars for additional conquests, ‘Or, you know, whatever.”

Big Ass Cloud Imperils Aircraft

A massive ass cloud, which originated in Iceland, has basically shut down all air travel in the UK and much of Europe.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Said Sandra Kaine of Glasgow, Scotland. “That massive thing is so fat and ugly that no one would what to fly anywhere near it!”

Written by mytabloids

April 17, 2010 at 6:56 am

Mikelson wins Masters “Just to piss off” Tiger

Phil Mikelson, never a pal of Tiger Woods, said he won The Masters, “Just to piss off Tiger.”

“It was great fun,” Said Phil. “Tiger moped around the course and whined and tried desperately to be more warm and fuzzy, but at the end of the day, I whupped him good.”

Woods, in less-than-successful attempt to reign in his worst instincts said, “Eff Phil….”

Written by mytabloids

April 12, 2010 at 7:09 am

Tiger makes good on “friendlier” pledge. Hits on three spectators.

“Back in action” has taken on a dual meaning for Tiger Woods, as he teed off in The Master tournament this afternoon, and immediately made good on this pledge to be friendlier and more appreciative of his fans. By the time he reached “Amen Corner,” Woods had already managed to hook up with three different female fans.

Having learned that texting can be dangerous, Woods was seen using a “magic slate,” onto which he would write catchy pick up lines, then immediately peel the plastic cover back, obliterating them.

“It’s the iPad of the 1960s” He was heard telling his caddy.

Orie Sisters to reunite for “Big Hair Tour”

With an unexpected announcement that is sure to thrill fans, the 80’s “hair band” the “Orie Ohs” will reunite for a tour of Western Pennsylvania. The announcement came today from their manager Owen Waddington.

“Jane, Joan, Judith and Janine are going back on the road.” He said. “There hair has never been better and their music never more important.”

The sister’s are expected to do a fund-raiser to help offset “unexpected legal expenses” at a variety of venues, including some large halls in Beaver, West Deer and Norvelt.

Written by mytabloids

April 8, 2010 at 8:03 am