My Tabloids | Satire on the Mon

It's not true, they didn't come anywhere near my tabloids…

Archive for March 2009

Mt. Redoubt erupts 5 times. Viagra suspected.

redoubtMt. Redoubt continues to show off its stuff to some of the younger volcanoes in Alaskan, now having undergone a handful of “eruption events” since this past Sunday.

“It may just be Mother Nature playing tricks on us,” Said Forest Service spokesman Kent Landry, “But I’m guessing that some kids climbed up there and poured a potload of Viagra into the caldera.”

According to experts, Redoubt will most likely burn itself out in a few days, collapse and ultimately, go back to drinking beer and surfing for porn.


Written by mytabloids

March 24, 2009 at 3:46 am

NASA Urine recycler doesn’t work. Is sent to AIG execs.

urineNASA has discovered that its latest urine recycler, which is supposed to allow orbiting astronauts to drink their own pee, is a “total and complete failure.”

“For whatever reason, the thing just doesn’t work.” Said spokesperson Mary Ann Haggerty. “You can imagine the nominal outcome. It was very unpleasant for the astronaut who drew the short straw and was forced to “sample” the first bit that was, apparently, not recycled at all.”

The good news is that NASA has agreed to a request by the Obama administration that several of the units be delivered to select executives at AIG and installed in their washrooms.

Written by mytabloids

March 23, 2009 at 6:42 am

March Madness

aigThe NCAA is suing AIG, claiming that the beleaguered insurance giant has made off with its most coveted marketing campaign.

“In the past, when people heard “March Madness,” they knew it meant basketball players and beer commercials.” Said NCAA spokesman Kirk Lapham. “But this year, the madness is with AIG, and we intend to seek recompense in US District Court…for about $165 million in damages.”

Written by mytabloids

March 23, 2009 at 6:27 am

Condom Condemnation from Pope

benedictSpeaking during his trip to Africa, a continent overwhelmed with HIV/AIDS, Pope Benedict took a few minutes off his busy schedule of joke with reporters.

“I just hate the lack of sensation,” The Pontiff, winked. “And I’m trying to save my flock from that same lack of feeling.”

When asked about the AIDS epidemic in Africa, Benedict said, “We’ve been on the forefront of helping these poor people. In fact, I just said a prayer for them about ten minutes ago! What else do they expect?”

Written by mytabloids

March 18, 2009 at 7:33 pm

US will sell Guam to raise cash.

guamReports surfaced today which seem to indicate that the U. S. government is considering “unloading some assets” as a way to help bolster the nation’s bottom line.

“Guam is a natural.” Said an unnamed source inside the administration. “It’s way the hell over there in the Pacific Ocean, it’s tough to find or get to and it has a sort of gross name. However, we think we could get a cool billion for it, and that might even offset the AIG bonuses.”

Written by mytabloids

March 18, 2009 at 6:11 am

Breaking News: One bright spot in job market

rushThe latest government statistics show that nearly every sector of the economy is being devastated by the relentless downward spiral of the recession.

However, one narrow niche has shown significant growth over the past month.  We have excerpted the pertinent parts of this report for the readers of My Taboids.

Official Government Statistics
::Sector Specific::

Heavy Manufacturing:   Down 83%
Light Manufacturing:  Down 68%
Service Industries:  Down 63%
GOP Suck-ups to Rush Limbaugh:  UP 872%

Written by mytabloids

March 8, 2009 at 4:57 am

RNC head backtracks; Agrees to call Limbaugh “Massa Rush.”

steeleRNC Chairman Michael Steele, released the following statement today, admitting to his guilt and that of his entire race.

“I doh know wha I wass talkin’ bout, when I’s made that there stament about Massa Rush.  I offers my sinceriest apologies and I’s glad that we coloreds can work in hominy wit The Man.  Whont hapen agin.  No suh!”

Written by mytabloids

March 4, 2009 at 4:31 am