“Stupidity Checkpoint” nabs 83,000 offenders.

When the Louisiana State Police decided to become part of a new Federal education pilot program, they had no idea just how much it was going to tax their limited resources.

“We just didn’t see this comin’,” Said Officer Clyde Bertram. “I mean, over the course of a weekend, we had to ticket thousands of our fine citizens, just ’cause they couldn’t answer a few simple questions.”

The National Stupidity Assessment was included as a rider on a little-noticed bill and easily passed in both the House and Senate on a voice vote, possible because the Members didn’t understand what they were voting on. President Obama signed it into law just after his inauguration. First-term Senator David Vitter not only voted for the bill, but was caught at a Stupidity Checkpoint not far from his home in Metairie.

“We got somin’ like twenty-thousand people the very first day!” Officer Bertram added, “Traffic just about come to a standstill across this fine state!”

The Assessment is a bit like a shortened version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” using only the early “idiot” questions.

While the citizens of Louisiana who failed won’t face criminal charges or fines of any sort, they will be offered tutoring help through the President’s new “Stupid Stimulus Program.”

BREAKING: Did The Jesse Jackson Jinx Doom Michael?

Michael Jackson’s family claims that they were “very worried” recently, when Jesse Jackson showed up and just started “hanging around.”

“Let’s face it” said Michael’s father, “Jesse has done a lot for the African-American community, but at the end of the day, the guy’s a damn jinx! Jesse shows up….someone’s gonna die. We all know that!”

Jesse Jackson released a statement in which he claimed to have insider knowledge about a white man seen leaving the scene of Jackson’s death, who could “possibly be the same guy who killed OJ’s wife.”

Jackson would not elaborate, but said that, “If you want to know more, just watch for me on every cable news show for the next ten days. I’ll be everywhere, baby!”

Michael Jackson dies: LA sees run on cheap stuffed toys, tacky flowers and candles.

Rock icon Michael Jackson died today in Los Angeles from an apparent heart attack. He was only fifty years old, though his mental age was thought to be around 15.

As the word leaked out that Jackson was dead, novelty stores and street vendors of flowers saw a massive surge in business, as fans sought out the most tacky “remembrances” they could find to lay near the gates of the home Jackson had been renting.

“We brought a Beanie Baby chimp,” Said 52 year old Larry Snifetz and his wife Kari, who were standing outside the home, obviously distraught. “It reminds us of Bubbles the Chimp…and all the good times.”

GOP abandons politicians: Will run Manson and Sirhan Sirhan in 2012

“It has become clear that our most reliable pool of potential Presidential candidates is a bit, shall we say, shallow at this time.” Said Michael Steele of the Republican National Committee. “The usual batch of Senators and Governors have proven to be less valuable than they were in the past. Larger than life characters such as Ike and Ronald Reagan just aren’t being minted anymore. So we have decided on a new tact.”

While Steele would not come right out and say it, he did not deny that the GOP was considering running inmates Charles Manson and Sirhan Sirhan in 2012.

“They certainly have a ton of name recognition.” He admitted.

Sanford: It took 5 days to “break it off.”

“People are impressed,” said My Tabloids reporter Gary Arnold, “Because for most men, it would break off in a couple of days.”

G-20 Summit in Pittsburgh: Protesters will be forced to watch Pirates.

In a move that Pittsburgh city officials are calling “enlightened,” all protesters at the upcoming G-20 Summit will be taken to PNC Park, where they will be given free admittance to see the Pittsburgh Pirates play baseball.

“This is the classic ‘kill two birds with one stone,” Said a spokesman for Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. “We will fill those empty seats at the ballpark and let these nutballs yell all they want. Our only fear is that the players might be frightened; most of them have never actually seen or heard a crowd before.”

BREAKING NEWS: GOP affairs a “deliberate strategy.”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s sexual tryst is the latest in a seemingly endless line of marital indiscretions by GOP lawmakers of every shape and size. And while some think it belies the party’s total and absolute moral bankruptcy, at least one noted political consultant believes the move is “crazy like a fox.”

“The GOP has lost a massive amount of legitimacy over the past couple of election cycles,” Said Tiffany Cox, “But what they are really trying to do is ‘man up.’ The insider strategy papers I’ve seen indicate that even the wussiest GOP wimps are intentionally cheating on their wives so that their constituency, mostly macho douche bags, will perceive them as classic powerful, masculine role models.

Ed McMahon dies: Will sit at the right hand of God.

The man who was known for sitting alongside Johnny Carson and laughing at everything he said, is dead. Ed McMahon, the eternal sideman on the long-running “Tonight Show With Johnny Carson” passed away in his sleep today at the age of 86.

“Ed is really looking forward to his next gig,” Said his manager and friend, Al Weintraub. “We expect a very long run.”

Obama kills fly. Touts it as “change we need!”

Here’s the release from the White House Press Office:

“For far too long, the common house fly has bedeviled mankind. Whether in swarms or on solitary missions, these tiny beasts have delivered pain and suffering, have spread disease and have generally annoyed the shit out of us. This is why my administration decided to act swiftly and decisively to eliminate a fly in full view of the American public; so everyone would understand just how serious we are about this scourge…and how emphatically we will move to eradicate them in the near future.”

“God bless The United States of America.”

Iranian’s rally for fair elections. Minnesotan’s go fishing.

Tens of thousands of Iranian citizens have taken to the streets, in protest of what they perceive to be a rigged election.

“Citizens are taking to the streets, to demand righteousness and freedom” said one woman through a translator.

Meanwhile, the citizens of Minnesota, who still haven’t seen their other US Senator seated, have taken a somewhat different approach to democracy. They have taken to that state’s lakes in record numbers.

“The fishing has just been terrific,” said one man. “I got three big bass within the first hour, don’t you know?”