Obama makes bold Afghan decision: Let Iraqis do the fighting!
After great consternation and many weeks of high level meetings, President Barack Obama has decided on a bold course of action as related to the concurrent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Today I have decided to send forty-thousand Iraqis to Afghanistan to help fight that ongoing conflict. It’s a win-win for me, and for the American public. We end up with less Iraqis to fight and we give ourselves at least an outside chance of winning in war torn Afghanistan.”
Roethlisberger digs “Breast Awareness Month.”
Steelers QB “Big Ben” Roethlisberger was “totally stoked” when he heard that the NFL would be celebrating “Breast Awareness Month” by wearing pink ribbons, shoes and underwear.
“Now this is something I can totally get behind,” Said Big Ben, with a wink. “I mean, I’m not into the pink stuff, but if you’re talkin’ breasts, I’m your man!”
Sometime later the Steelers PR machine went into overdrive. “Ben simply left off the “cancer” part. It was an inadvertent error made prior to a game, when Ben was distracted by a cheerleader named Tiffany.”
Letterman changes name to Worldwide Zippers
David Letterman, who admitted he’s been regularly having sex with multiple young woman on this staff, has decided to change the name of his production company from Worldwide Pants to Worldwide Zippers.
According to spokesperson Tiffany Amber D’Alessandro, it was an effort “To more accurately reflect the reality of this wonderfully creative person’s life and good works.”
Bush surprise Copenhagen visit: Makes case for Crawford
Former President George W. Bush showed up in Copenhagen, Denmark today and made a strong case that the International Olympic Committee should consider Crawford, Texas as a “Damn fine place to hold them Summer ‘Lympics.”
Bush contends that Crawford has most of the amenities that Rio, Madrid, Chicago and Hong Kong do, but that, “Parkin’ is cheap and we are a friendlier than those “big city” people.
While making his statement, Bush also pressed the Committee to consider his request that cow-chip tossing be added as an Olympic event.
“It’s about damn time.”
Synchronized swimming replaces “public option”
After clearing having been outflanked by his political adversaries on the “public option” for a health care, President Obama has decided instead to concentrate on the Olympics.
“This has got to be easier than dealing with Congress.” The President was overhead saying. “I am totally sick of that shit!”
On October 2nd, the President will appear, along with the First Lady and Brian Boitano, to press for Chicago as the ideal site of the Olympics in 2016, where he hopes synchronized swimming will “finally be recognized for the true sport it is.”
G20 Over: Pittsburgh returns to normal
After having spent the last two months getting ready for the G20 Summit, and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars cleaning up the city for its debut on the world stage, Pittsburghers relaxed today and got back to “business as usual.”
Looking out over the dismal post-apocalyptic landscape, Crafton resident Manny Stepanic said, “Damn, it is a beautiful place, isn’t it?”
BREAKING: G20 Attendees Agree on Soup!
Calling it a “world altering conference” with “far reaching repercussions” the members of the G20 nations today closed their event and issued a “communique” in which they made the following statement.
“We, the undersigned, agree that the tasty vegetable soup, served in the monumental “Bowl of Nations,” was excellent.”
Little other substantial progress was made on climate change, terrorism, nuclear proliferation, poverty or health care.
Breaking! G20 Sonic Weapon Deployed
A so-called “sonic weapon” has apparently been deployed in Pittsburgh, where the G20 Summit is underway today. The device is intended to disperse unruly crowds. There is, as of this moment, no clear report on whether it has been utilized or not.
“The weapon was developed for the Army over the past decade,” said former General Armand Zimmerman. “By sampling and then playing back certain songs are a very high frequency, most people will be repelled immediately.”
Reports on the web note that the Army experimented with a mash up of “You Light Up My Life,” “Ebony and Ivory,” “She’s a Lady,” “Achy Breaky Heart” and every Bobby Goldsboro song ever recorded.
“It was very successful. Not only did people run screaming, but most of them lost their lunch as well.”
G20 Protesters: Berating The Beans!
Protesters at the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh ransacked a Boston Market restaurant on Thursday, breaking plate glass windows and raising havoc, but it apparently had nothing to do with the ills of globalizaton nor the use of genetically-modified crops.
“We were just pissed because the green beans sucked.” Said protest leader Simon Strauch. “We were marching down Baum Boulevard when we decided to grab some lunch. But, as vegans, we found the green beans to be overcooked, soggy and just saturated in too much salt. They were anything but the “fresh” vegetables which Boston Market likes to advertise.”
“And since we’re protesters,” Said Kim Docherty, “We did the only thing we know how to do; we trashed the place and broke all the windows.”
Pittsburgh Pirates Use G20 To Intro New Team!
In an attempt to turn their flagging fortunes around, baseball’s worst team today used the excitement of the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh as a spring board to introduce a completely new team, made up entirely of Burmese monks.
“The chanting alone will be a big audience draw, I guarantee you!” Said reclusive Pirate owner Bob Nutting. “I mean, with these cool new swirling uniforms and this chanting, we’ll be hard to beat in 2010!”
