Santorum says he has “One weird trick to lose weight, and win”

In a hastily-called news conference today, Rick Santorum revealed little, but said he knows about “One crazy, weird old trick that can help people lose up to 20 pounds a week.” But, the candidate said, you can’t get the secret unless you click the link on his website, “RicksWeirdTrick.com” and make a large campaign donation at the same time.

“This isn’t some Internet scam,” The candidate insisted, but rather, “A weird trick that’s allowed me to stay a lot thinner than Newt Gingrich and to raise money.”

Breaking: Newt to demand “open government.”

Seemingly under attack from all sides, GOP primary contender Newt Gingrich said during tonight’s debate that, as he asked his former wife, he would demand an “open federal government,” in which “I can do want I want, with whomever I want to do it with.”

When pressed by moderator John King about the issue, Gingrich put it in stark, clear terms.

“Listen, if I’m elected I’ll reserve the right to screw whoever I want to; whether that means wives, or the American public. And just like Callista, I don’t see why anyone should have a problem with that”

Breaking: Santorum admits he thought he was running for Pope.

In a stunning admission, Rick Santorum today called a press conference to clarify his ambitions.

“I think there may have been some confusion,” Said Santorum, dressed in his trademark sweater-vest and flanked by his entire family.

“My intent was never to be President of the United States. I mean, I guess that would be nice, but what I really want is to be the next Pope, and to shepard the Catholic Church into a new era of regressive, ham-fisted moral certainty.”

Santorum went on to issue what most theologians believe is the first encyclical ever offered by someone other than a Pope, in which he called for the abolishment of “any and all modernism” that has occurred in The Church since the Mid 7th century.”

Breaking: Santorum Ad Sets Record!

Rick Santorum, who is hoping to rebound after a drubbing in New Hampshire, is running a new TV commercial in South Carolina in which he professes to be the “best chance” to beat President Obama. But there is more to it than that.

According to South Union College Political Science Professor Willard Scanlon, Santorum has set something of a dubious record.

“In one short :30 commercial, Rick was able to squeeze in three shots of him with his tragically ill daughter. According to our records, and this only goes back to the mid-80s, no other politician has dared be quite that blatant when it comes to “using” his children to political advantage.”

BREAKING: Santorum commits mortal sin. Immediately condemned to eternal hellfire!

“And it was going so well…”

According to Roman Catholic doctrine, Rick Santorum’s decision to engage in today’s primary debate in New Hampshire, and to skip the holy sacrament of Mass, means that he committed a “mortal sin.”

A priest in New Hampshire, after hearing of the transgression, responded;

“Well, from this day forward, he might as well have fun, because his soul will, upon his death, be sent directly to Hell, where “you know who” will suffer great indignities upon it. And he’d better hope that the Devil ain’t Gay!”

“If Santorum had just forgotten, or if the event had been of significant enough importance, he may have been able to skate by on this,” Said eminent Catholic theologian Clinton Cobb, “But there is no way that Rome is going to look the other way when you blow off mass for some stupid debate!”

Breaking: Evangelicals in Iowa running out of candidates to hate

The sudden ascendance of Rick Santorum, just prior to the Iowa cauces, is not surprising, says one local supporter.

“You know, we just flat ran out of folks to get behind.” Said Allan Lutz of Des Moines. “I used to like Cain, Palin, Bachmann, Newt — but now I hate all those fools. If The Bible tells us anything, it’s that Jesus didn’t take any prisoners!”

When asked for a specific Bible reference to back up his assertion, Lutz said. “Don’t try to trick me, city boy. I’ll be prayin’ for you. Now get your ass off to New Hampshire, where there all you gay liberal atheists congregate!”

BREAKING: Last great leader to embrace pant suits, dies.

Kim Jong Il, long time leader of the chauvinistic nation of North Koren, has died of an apparent heart attack.
Tensions on the Korean peninsula are high, as many people pause to ponder whether the “leisure pantsuit” will
remain the de facto standard for leaders there, or whether some other fashion will emerge.

“This is an extremely difficult time.” Said one observer, who refused to use his real name, but wanted to be called ‘Ted.’
“Kim Jong Il, the ‘Dear Leader’ was indeed a fashion leader — along with all that scary stuff. He single-handedly defined the classic couture of North Korean by embracing the classic, clean, crisp, tailored lines of the U.S. in the early 1970s. At this moment, we have no idea what’s going to happen. It could be boffo or it could be bust!”

Another Korean specialist suggested that “Most North Koreans are probably staying at home, hoving around their closets.” “It’s a repressive regime, and none of them will dare show up in public with a pant suit on or a Nehru jacket or wide whale corduroy, until they are absolutely sure it has the complete approval of the government.”

Editors of most of the major daily newspapers, long used to referring to one generation or another as X or Y, recently realized that they were coming to the end of the alphabet.

“So we just decided to start over,” Said New York Times writer Bill Keller. “We’ve all agreed that the next generation will be Gen A, no matter what they do or say or are known for.”

Not everyone is happy about the unilateral decision.

“I was really looking forward to being part of Gen Z,” said Jason Albright of Staatsburg, NY. I am be only eight years old, but I’ve lived my whole life waiting for this. It totally sucks! Gen A is totally lame.”

Cain: “At least they weren’t little boys!”

GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain, his campaign sagging under new allegations of sexual impropriety, made a forceful statement today.

“Well, whatever happened, at least it was with women, not with little boys in a locker room.”

The shaken candidate, his campaign floundering, later retracted the statement, in which he referenced Penn State University’s former coach Jerry Sandusky.

“OK. I was a little upset. I dig that. But I was doing what a guy does. And I have nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, if I hadn’t cheated, guys in the Board Room would have thought I was a wimp or something!”

Occupy Wall Streeters relent. Move back in with Mom and Dad.

The grass roots protest that began in lower Manhattan and then spread like wildfire across the nation, seems to have been extinguished in a mere few hours, when police swept through Zuccotti Park and forced the restless crowds to “move on.” Most seemed sanguine about the end game.

“My Mom will be glad to have me come home,” Said 29 year Jason Bricklin. “I mean, like, I’m sure she missed making my dinner, doing my laundry and kissing my ass 24/7.”

A similar sentiment came from 32 year old Ginger Allen. “I’m going to go home and occupy the shower for like, two hours!” She said, smiling. “This was fun, but my parents are, ya know, so needy — so I’m going back home.”