BREAKING: Palin’s palm tells all!
The Tea Baggers weren’t reading tea leaves at their recent convention. Instead, Sarah Palin, their erstwhile Queen, was reading palms, in this case, her own.
After news photographers published images of the politician’s hand with crib notes on it, there was a quick move to quell the skepticism about her ability to remember salient facts.
“Ms. Palin has an excellent memory.” Said Larry Hannrahan. “However, in this case, exhausted from travel and suffering from jet lag, she wanted to make sure that she got one point right. That is, well, here name.”
iPad: May not be GPS game-changer.
Apple executives, speaking anonymously, said today that they “Doubt that the newly released iPad will supplant people’s Garmins or TomToms anytime soon.”
“The fact is,” said one source, “It just a wee bit big to hang comfortably off the windshield — and we’ve had the darndest trouble getting it to stay put with those little suction cup thingies.”
BREAKING: Toyota solution – Bigger Air Bags!
Excited engineers for Toyota today announced an “elegant solution” to their sticking accelerator problems.
The newly unveiled “Maxi Bag,” will inflate in the, “Rare case that a gas pedal sticks or the brakes don’t work,” said a proud spokesman for the ailing automaker.
He continued, “This is the sort of innovative thinking that made us the largest car company in the world. We never stop. Uh, I mean….”
BREAKING: Toyota: Can’t stop ‘em, can’t stop ‘em
News reports indicate that Toyota may have ongoing problems with its brake systems, in addition to its accelerators, which have recently forced a massive recall.
“The bottom line is,” said an upbeat Toyota spokesman, “You just can’t stop a Toyota!”
The company is apparently now rethinking its use of the song, “Slow Down You’re Movin’ Too Fast” as its commercial theme music.
Iran: Turtles In Space!
The leaders of Iran are celebrating a monumental scientific achievement, which may rightfully change the future of the world. Iran has announced that it has launched a “space turtle” into low Earth orbit.
“The Iranian people are proud of this most incredible Islamic achievement,” said President Ahmadinejad. “Today turtles and worms, tomorrow ferrets!”
Gates gives billions. Attempts to make up for Vista.
Microsoft founder and billionaire Bill Gates has committed to giving billions of dollars (US) to help fight disease and poverty and every other ill none to mankind….”If….people would just forget what a piece of unmitigated crap Windows really is, including Vista and this pointless new release.”
“We are willing to spend more than any couple ever has to cover up for the fact that I created the worst operating system known to man.” Said Mr Gates. “I figure that if I can spend a billion dollars to cure some diseases in Africa, people might forget about the viruses that their Microsoft-powered computers get every day…”
Uneasy? Or just dead? Toyota chief apologizes.
Upbeat Japanese carmaker President Akio Toyoda said today in Davos, Switzerland that he was “Sorry for making consumers ‘uneasy’” about driving one of the millions of cars his company made with potentially deadly accelerator problems.
It is unknown whether the the dead and maimed are covered by his definition of “uneasy.”
Toyoda said that, “While the problem is bad, it’s not something that some really, really big new brakes can’t solve.”
Apple reveals another new product: iPon
On the heels of its much-heralded roll out of the iPad, Apple Computer (Cupertino,CA – APPL) has announced the release of another innovative product, the iPon™.
“This is the first product we’ve ever created that is “for women only,” said a gaunt, yet upbeat Steve Jobs.
The “implantable” MP3 player, with a unique string operated volume control, is expected to go on sale soon.
Breaking: Alito actual mouthed, “No trousers”
During President Barack Obama’s first “official” State of the Union address, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito mouthed what many pundits took to be the words “not true,” when the Supreme Court was taken to task by the President over a recent ruling.
However, a My Tabloids source tells us that the Justice was actually saying, “No trousers” under his breath, the apparent punch line to a rather ranchy joke, which he was sharing with a very willing Clarence Thomas. “The fact that Justice Alito’s purported comment coincided with the President’s mention of the recent ruling is purely coincidence” said a SCOTUS spokesman, on the guarantee of anonymity.
Salinger dead: Will now give interviews to all
Reclusive author J. D. Salinger, who was almost as well known for being, well, reclusive, as he was for penning “The Catcher in the Rye,” has died. Salinger had lived for years in an isolated part of New England, and steadfastly refused to communicate with anyone other than Paul Lynde and Bob Denver. When those two major talents preceded him into the “great beyond,” Salinger’s agent acknowledged that “it was only a matter of time before the master would follow.”
However, it appears now that J. D. has died, he has rethought his entire “reclusive thing,” and maybe be willing “for modest remuneration” to give selected interviews to such highly-touted journals as The Atlantic, The New York Times Magazine and Highlights For Juniors, along with TMZ.
“We are open to whomever is willing to open their wallets,” said his agent, in a moment of clarity.
