My Tabloids | Satire on the Mon

It's not true, they didn't come anywhere near my tabloids…

Pope resigns to, “Spend more time with his family.”

pope benedict

A spokesman for the Vatican said today that The Pontiff isn’t so much worried about his age and various infirmities, but rather that he feels “repentent” about all the time he has had to spend away from his family while ruling over the Roman Catholic Church.

“The Pope will return to Hamburg and attempt to rekindle the spark in his marriage to Hilda Schildkraut, who the then-Cardinal Ratzinger married two decades ago. The couple has several children and The Pope feels bad that he hasn’t been around much to see them grow up.”

The Pope published a holy encyclical in which he said, “All those baseball games and school plays that I missed can’t be made up for. I know that now. But my children must know how much I love them. They must see how much I love all the children of the world….”

Advertisements

Written by mytabloids

February 24, 2013 at 2:59 am

BREAKING! Mars news! NASA reveals “Building blocks of snack food” found!

hostess twinkiesIn what many scientists are calling both a major coincidence as well as a planetary breakthrough for mankind, NASA has announced that the “chemical building blocks” of “snack food as we know it” have been uncovered just under the Martian surface.

“This is an epochal discovery” Said JPL astronomer and chemist, Dr. Dooley Turner. “It is nothing less than revolutionary.”

“This proves,” He said, “That Twinkies are not indigenous to the Earth and that, thousands of years ago, our Martian progenitors may have enjoyed this tasty, sugary confection as well.”

Astronomers at the highest levels of the Mars rover project say they will “dig deeper,” seeking to find the much-vaunted “creamy filling,” which has so far eluded even the best scientific minds.

Breaking: Apple, out of cat names, will start with vermin. Woodchuck 11 next big thing!

mac os x satire humor image Apple Computer (APPL, Cupertino) which has long named its operating system software updates after metaphorically impressive beasts of the jungle, will break ranks with its next round of software releases and begin recognizing less “significant” animals. Whether this is due to political correctness, or a nod to the fact that one release of Mac software isn’t much different than the prior one, remains to be seen.

“We are currently working on Woodchuck 11 beta.” said a spokesman. “It will represent a “ground up” reworking of our core kernel and users will find it more functional than ever.”

Cupertino insiders have also leaked the names of future upgrades, which include Capybara 12, Hamster 13, Rat 14 and Beaver 15.

Written by mytabloids

October 11, 2012 at 9:54 am

BREAKING: “Jesus was married. Wife drove him nuts…”

jesus wife marriedA newly revealed, papyrus fragment indicates that some early Christians might have believed that Jesus was married. The fragment, written in Coptic, a language of Egyptian Christians, says , “Jesus said to them, My wife is freaking driving me out of my mind. Give me another beer!”

While scholars still argue the point, a marriage might explain Jesus’ ultimate decision to be crucified.

Written by mytabloids

September 19, 2012 at 8:30 am

BREAKING: Santorum wins weekly “Duh” award!

santorum evangelicals vote iowaIn a speech before the Values Voters summit, Rick Santorum said that “smart people will never like us.”  Well, DUH!

Christopher Gabney, who monitors “Stupid shit that people say every week” said that Santorum would be awarded his weekly “Duh” award for “Stating the obvious, in such an obvious way.”

“Clearly Rick has some sort of deep seeded dislike of smart people, which is why, years ago, he chose the Republican Party.”

Written by mytabloids

September 16, 2012 at 5:55 am

BREAKING: Christie to replace levees in NOLA

governor chris christie new jersey imageNew Jersey Governor Chris Christie had told reporters that, if things get “really bad” in New Orleans with the approaching storm Isaac, that he will personally lay down and hold the waters back.

The Army Corps of Engineers accepted the Governor’s offer and also requested that Rush Limbaugh be standing by, “In case we need to plug another huge hole.”

Written by mytabloids

August 28, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Breaking: Building stolen. Bear being sought.

longaberger yogi bear imageThe iconic corporate headquarters of the Longaberger Basket Company in Newark, Ohio was apparently stolen overnight.  Corporate officials were the first to discover the theft when they went to work on Monday, only to find the building, which is shaped like an actual basket, missing.

“We are stunned and saddened,” Said corporate spokeswoman Betsy Nelson.  “We only hope that whoever stole our basket understands how much it means to us, our customers and the members of the Newark, Ohio community.”

Police, meanwhile, are apparently following up on an anonymous tip that a large brown bear was seen in the area a day or two prior to the theft.  Police Chief Clayton Stone was quoted as saying, “This bear, well, if it is him, he is smarter than your average bear — but I’m confident we’ll have him on custody soon.”

Written by mytabloids

August 28, 2012 at 7:54 am