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Posts Tagged ‘santorum

Santorum’s Film Studio to remake Rosemary’s Baby

santorum movie studioFormer PA Senator and erstwhile Presidential contender Rick Santorum has taken on the decidedly un-conservative role of Hollywood studio mogul.  As the president of Echolight Studios, Rick promises “family friendly fare which will bore people to tears.”

“Our first big release will be a startling re-imagining of “Rosemary’s Baby,” in which the woman who is raped by the devil delivers the baby vaginally, raises it in the Christian tradition and home schools it —  until something horrible happens.”

Santorum said that Rush Limbaugh has been tagged to direct the epic.

“Echolight will give movie viewers options they have never dreamed out.”  Santorum said.  “Instead of CGI blockbusters with major A-list stars, we are going to deliver mediocre message movies which will never go into wide release.  And we couldn’t be more thrilled!”

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Written by mytabloids

July 2, 2013 at 8:39 am

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BREAKING: Santorum wins weekly “Duh” award!

santorum evangelicals vote iowaIn a speech before the Values Voters summit, Rick Santorum said that “smart people will never like us.”  Well, DUH!

Christopher Gabney, who monitors “Stupid shit that people say every week” said that Santorum would be awarded his weekly “Duh” award for “Stating the obvious, in such an obvious way.”

“Clearly Rick has some sort of deep seeded dislike of smart people, which is why, years ago, he chose the Republican Party.”

Written by mytabloids

September 16, 2012 at 5:55 am

BREAKING: Santorum & Romney seal it with a kiss…

Pittsburgh.

The much-anticipated meetup between Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney finally occurred last week. The published intent of the date was for Rick to “get to know” Romney better, but insiders say that was just code for “Is Mitt a good kisser?”

At the offices of Rick Santorum’s uber-short consultant John Brabender, the two men apparently sat together on a comfy couch making small talk. The discussion was “wide ranging,” but attendees, who noticed that both men seemed a bit nervous, were sent out of the room after Rick and Mitt finally made eye contact — and held hands for a long, awkward moment.

BREAKING: Santorum says “It was all just a big joke.”

rick santorum south carolina catholic churchExhausted and somewhat delirious from his months-long campaign for President, Rick Santorum today made the surprise announcement that it was all “Just a gag.”  Using an expression near to the hearts of Pittsburgher’s, Santorum said…

“It started out as a joke, but now it’s gone on too long.  I was just jaggin’ yinz guys and I never thought for a minute that all those voters would take me seriously as a candidate for President.  Can you imagine that?

Asked what he’ll do now, Santorum said he might run for Pope, “Because I dig that hat.”

Written by mytabloids

March 10, 2012 at 2:48 am

MEDICAL SHOCKER! Santorum has Post-Traumatic Nun Disorder

nuns  santorum imageAccording to newly published reports, GOP candidate Rick Santorum’s rantings about sex and contraception can be traced to an affliction called PTND, or Post Traumatic Nun Disorder.

“Mr. Santorum shows all the classic signs,” said psychologist Phillip Reardon.  “He is simple-minded, narcissistic, full of righteous indignation and basically unable to exist in the modern world.”

When pressed for details, Dr. Reardon said, “The harsh ideology of the Roman Catholic Church, particularly as administered by nuns with rulers across the knuckles, left a deep impact on Mr. Santorum.  He conflates women with those nuns and now, when he finds himself in a position of power himself, he wants to punish them — just as they punished him.”

Written by mytabloids

March 4, 2012 at 6:52 am

Breaking: Santorum admits, “College didn’t work for me!”

santorum evangelicals vote iowaIn an attempt to clarify recent remarks, Rick Santorum today told a crowd outside of Toledo that “I may have three degrees, but I’m as dumb as a box of rocks.  I mean, ladies and gentlemen, I think this proves my point that not everyone is well-served by going to college.”

 

 

Written by mytabloids

March 2, 2012 at 3:59 am

Breaking News: Sweater vests in FLA? Santorum sweats it out….

santorum sweater vestRick Santorum’s longshot gambit to parlay his Iowa “sweater vest victory” into a win in Florida has apparently fallen far short of expectations.

“The campaign realized early on that this sort of garment might not be appropriate in South Florida,” said spokesman Paul Kane, “But the Senator still insisted on his “good luck” vests.  Clearly, we may have to retool in the future.”

Kane hinted that Santorum might switch to Hush Puppies and polo shirts — and that dickies were not out of the question….