So, if you fire the nut jobs….

According to reports, President Trump told Russian officials in the Oval Office that former F.B.I Director was a “nut job” and had to be gotten rid of.

The Russian’s, who struggled a bit with the translation of “nut job,” reported back to the Kremlin that the President would, apparently, soon be firing himself.

Chris Christie. Working The Cones.

Chris Christie Exit Closed.

Clearly the one exit sign that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie didn’t want to see, is the one that is now the most prominent…

Bob Ford apologizes for defecating on statue of Mother Teresa

Embattled Toronto Mayor Bob Ford, in yet another remarkable public admission, has said he was “just a little wasted” when he dropped trow and unloaded on a public statue of Mother Teresa.

“The people of Ontario just gotta understand that I’m plainspoken dude.  I’m not some silver-tongued politician.  I’m just like the voters of Toronto;  I say what I say and you can all got to hell if you don’t fucking like it you stupid bastards!!!”

Ford’s spokesman has already scheduled another news conference in which the Mayor will apologize for that remark.

Stay tuned….

Bob Ford Apologizes for Jesus was a Nazi Homo remark….

Embattled Toronto Mayor Bob Ford, in yet another remarkable public admission, has said he was “only kidding” when he said that Jesus Christ was “just some homo Nazi from Nazareth.”  This on the heels of his “eat pussy” remarks of the previous day.

“The people of Ontario just gotta understand that I’m plainspoken dude.  I’m not some silver-tongued politician.  I’m just like the voters of Toronto;  I say what I say and you can all got to hell if you don’t fucking like it you stupid bastards!!!”

Ford’s spokesman has already scheduled another news conference in which the Mayor will apologize for that remark.

Stay tuned….

Santorum’s Film Studio to remake Rosemary’s Baby

Former PA Senator and erstwhile Presidential contender Rick Santorum has taken on the decidedly un-conservative role of Hollywood studio mogul.  As the president of Echolight Studios, Rick promises “family friendly fare which will bore people to tears.”

“Our first big release will be a startling re-imagining of “Rosemary’s Baby,” in which the woman who is raped by the devil delivers the baby vaginally, raises it in the Christian tradition and home schools it —  until something horrible happens.”

Santorum said that Rush Limbaugh has been tagged to direct the epic.

“Echolight will give movie viewers options they have never dreamed out.”  Santorum said.  “Instead of CGI blockbusters with major A-list stars, we are going to deliver mediocre message movies which will never go into wide release.  And we couldn’t be more thrilled!”

BREAKING: Sarah Palin announces she’s running for Vice Pope

In a startling announcement on Sunday, former VP candidate Sarah Palin released a statement saying that she has new ambitions.

“I am making it known in Rome, and around the world, that I shall put my name in the ring for the position of Vice Pope. It is my most fervent hope that I can serve The Church in much the same way that I did the good people of Wasilla.”

There was no immediate response from The Vatican.

Pope resigns to, “Spend more time with his family.”

A spokesman for the Vatican said today that The Pontiff isn’t so much worried about his age and various infirmities, but rather that he feels “repentent” about all the time he has had to spend away from his family while ruling over the Roman Catholic Church.

“The Pope will return to Hamburg and attempt to rekindle the spark in his marriage to Hilda Schildkraut, who the then-Cardinal Ratzinger married two decades ago. The couple has several children and The Pope feels bad that he hasn’t been around much to see them grow up.”

The Pope published a holy encyclical in which he said, “All those baseball games and school plays that I missed can’t be made up for. I know that now. But my children must know how much I love them. They must see how much I love all the children of the world….”

BREAKING! Mars news! NASA reveals “Building blocks of snack food” found!

In what many scientists are calling both a major coincidence as well as a planetary breakthrough for mankind, NASA has announced that the “chemical building blocks” of “snack food as we know it” have been uncovered just under the Martian surface.

“This is an epochal discovery” Said JPL astronomer and chemist, Dr. Dooley Turner. “It is nothing less than revolutionary.”

“This proves,” He said, “That Twinkies are not indigenous to the Earth and that, thousands of years ago, our Martian progenitors may have enjoyed this tasty, sugary confection as well.”

Astronomers at the highest levels of the Mars rover project say they will “dig deeper,” seeking to find the much-vaunted “creamy filling,” which has so far eluded even the best scientific minds.

Breaking: Apple, out of cat names, will start with vermin. Woodchuck 11 next big thing!

Apple Computer (APPL, Cupertino) which has long named its operating system software updates after metaphorically impressive beasts of the jungle, will break ranks with its next round of software releases and begin recognizing less “significant” animals. Whether this is due to political correctness, or a nod to the fact that one release of Mac software isn’t much different than the prior one, remains to be seen.

“We are currently working on Woodchuck 11 beta.” said a spokesman. “It will represent a “ground up” reworking of our core kernel and users will find it more functional than ever.”

Cupertino insiders have also leaked the names of future upgrades, which include Capybara 12, Hamster 13, Rat 14 and Beaver 15.